


Lost & Found

by ofreverentia



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Military, Blood, Bombing, First Meeting, Insomnia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mention of Death, Minor Character Death, Nightmares, POV Javier Fernández, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, War, detailed war scenes, knife shoes appreciation society, not for the faint of heart especially some chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-07-06 09:53:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15883680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofreverentia/pseuds/ofreverentia
Summary: Javier groaned as the alarm on his phone filled his room and he rolled over to turn off the offending sound. It was way too early to be awake, or more like he finally managed to fall asleep after hours of turning and tossing in his bed and it was time to wake up. Today he had his first appointment at the center for counseling along rehabilitation for some injuries after his last tour. He could get by on a daily basis but if he wanted to return to active duty, he had to go through the procedure. And to Javier Fernandez there was nothing in life than the military, if he can’t put himself to use he has nothing.





	1. Where Did You come From?

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: So disclaimer: I am not 100% knowledgeable regarding military / PTSD / mental illnesses. The story is based on something I have developed with a friend over time on Tumblr though the story is diverting from our original writing to fit the characters personality in this story. Some explicit content could happen and I am not talking about sexual ones. A few definitions I want to throw out there in advance.
> 
>   * **Post-traumatic stress** disorder ( **PTSD** ) is an anxiety disorder caused by very stressful, frightening or distressing events. Someone with **PTSD** often relives the traumatic event through nightmares and flashbacks, and may experience feelings of isolation, irritability and guilt.  
> 
>   * **Insomnia** is a sleep disorder that is characterized by difficulty falling and/or staying asleep. People with **insomnia** have one or more of the following symptoms: Difficulty falling asleep. Waking up often during the night and having trouble going back to sleep.  
> 
>   * **Readjustment Counseling Service:** One program for veterans to assist them getting back to the normal life after war, there is many programs for all different fields such as navy, airforce, military etc. Some are online others are group therapy or one-on-one counseling. From what I gather there aren’t many and are highly influenced by the state of each soldier, unless it is a generic group re-adjustment.  
> 
>   * **Surveys from Medical:** usually before the finish of a deployment the soldiers are meant to complete surveys so the medical staff and officials can determine the aftereffect and it’s extent.
>   * A general **tour** of duty for soldiers comprises service that can last from half a year to four years. Generally, duties that last longer than two years are eligible to receive medals of merit related to their service. Give our take the average length can be put around 9 months.
>   * A **sniper** is a **military** /paramilitary marksman who operates to maintain effective visual contact with the enemy and engage targets from concealed positions or at distances exceeding their detection capabilities.
> 

> 
> Also for some reason I see the following songs rather matching with this work: “Found & Lost” by Survive said the Prophet and “Prayer X” by King Gnu. title is due to the first one but switched in order ;)
> 
> \----

Javier groaned as the alarm on his phone filled his room and he rolled over to turn off the offending sound. It was way too early to be awake, or more like he finally managed to fall asleep after hours of turning and tossing in his bed and it was time to wake up. Today he had his first appointment at the center for counseling along rehabilitation for some injuries after his last tour. He could get by on a daily basis but if he wanted to return to active duty, he had to go through the procedure. And to Javier Fernandez there was nothing in life than the military, if he can’t put himself to use he has nothing. Rolling on his back he stared at the ceiling for a few minutes than threw the covers off and got out of bed. 

He went through his morning routine without sparing a glance at his reflection in the mirror, knowing without looking how horrible his dark circles under his eyes, the three day stubble (near beard) and the wild curls on his head were. Though he had the perfect sight (a sniper had to have good eyes) he liked to wear glasses mainly to conceal some of his exhaustion. Putting on the ones he owned, a pair of dark jeans, a low cut shirt and a leather jacket he shuffled to his kitchen. His every trusty coffee machine already waiting to be turned on and provide him with the hot liquid he literally lived on for years now. Javier didn’t spare his fridge a glance knowing it was empty, he will have to do with coffee and maybe hope for a muffin laying around at the center later on or a protein bar one of the female doctors liked to sneak to him. Tracy was a life-saver Javier thought with a gentle smile on his face.

Filling a paper to-go cup he put on his boots and left his apartment or he is going to be late and while Brian was lenient when it came to it he should be more punctual. Luckily he got a government apartment close to the center only needing about 15 minutes to get there. By the time he arrived his coffee was gone, the cup disposed in a bin and with his hands deep in his jeans pockets he walked up to the receptionist. 

“Good morning Gabby. How are you?” He greeted the girl looking up from her computer screen to give Javier a raised brow, and pointed at the clock behind her.  


“It’s nearly noon but I guess Mr. not a morning person just woke up.” She snickered and he only rolled his eyes. “Hello Javier. How are you feeling?” Her tone changed at the end to a more concerned one and he nearly winced at that, hating it but never being able to avoid it given his reason of being here.  


“Good, no nightmares last night? Improvement but I think if I start telling you about my life, Brian would feel left out.” Gabby grinned at that nodding and slipped a badge over the counter.  


“He is in his office. Good luck.” She added but Javier was already walking down the hall, waving at her. “Oh and Javi, there is a new guy as of today. I think he will be assigned to your Physio.” He stopped and nearly gave himself a whiplash at how fast he turned to look at her.   


“What? What happened to Patrick?” She shrugged. ‘Great’ he thought, probably some newbie who needs to learn about the center and how to deal with soldiers like him. With a more sour mood, he rounded a corner walking past the office of Tracy. Since the door was open he stopped to say hello. She looked up from a huge pile of papers and greeted him, pointing at a bowl by the door. Javier gave her a sheepish grin and snatched himself two protein bars, throwing her a kiss as thank you. Her laughter could be heard down the hall as he continued his walk. Ripping one package open Javier literally inhaled half of the bar in one go. By the time he stopped in front of Brians office he was already opening the second one.  


\----

Brian looked up from his own stack of papers at the sound of wrappers being crumbled though he knew who it could be.

“Javier. I am happy you could join our session... 15 minutes later than scheduled. Take a seat, I see you got your breakfast on the go.” Javier only grinned and closed the door behind him, taking his usual seat on the small couch.  


“Tracy is a life saver.” He answered without further comment. They have been seeing each other every other day for the past 3 months, Brian knew how he worked. Closing one folder his doctor moved from his desk chair to the cushioned one in front of the couch, trusty notepad and pen in hand.  


“So tell me Javier, what is new?” If he had the chance he would have sank deeper into the cushions, not exactly liking these sessions, talking about himself but at least down the line Brian stopped asking how he was feeling, instead formulated his questions as if he was just asking an old friend about the new things in their life. Javier sighed and started to speak.  


\----

At the end of their session Brian gave Javier a small pat to the shoulder. If he would’t know better their relationship turned more into a father and son one, than doctor and patient. Before Javier had the chance to raid the coffee machine at the common room he was stopped in the corridor.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you. Patrick has been assigned to a different center for the next months. We have a new guy in his place, so he will take care of your physio. Please be nice to him and don’t give him a hard time. From his papers I can tell he is really good if not better than Patrick.” At that Brian quickly looked around. “But you didn’t hear me say that.” Javier did a motion of a zipper in front of his mouth, biting back his laughter.  


“Can I go now and get a cup of coffee before I need to change and be tortured by a new guy I do not know for at least two hours?” His doctor laughed and waved him away. Javier sighed all amusement gone from his features. New people meant explaining his situation, feelings and physical condition from the beginning and he wasn’t up to that today (or any other day) given he only had about two hours of sleep.  


\----

Changed into his usual training attire for physio and his new cup of coffee, Javier walked into the usual room. A very thin guy stood by the window and to make him aware of his presence he knocked on the open door. The guy turned around and crossed his arms, glaring at Javier. He couldn’t help but gulp because that stare was intense and while coming from a willowy oak tree looking guy it was terrifying.

“Uhm...” He started but was cut off immediately.  


“You are late.” The guy spoke and Javier glanced at the clock on the door. 1 minute past 2 p.m, which meant he was literally a minute late.   


“By a minute.” He stated and regretted his words instantly, as the glare of the other only turned worse.  


“Still late and no coffee here.” Javier blinked looking at the cup in his hand than up at the guy again, raising a brow as if asking if he was serious. No change in expression and the soldier sighed, disposing his nearly full cup in the bin outside the door. Now that earned him a small smirk. Javier already hated the guy.  


“I’m Yuzuru. Close the door we have a lot to do.” Javier opened his mouth to say something but the small irritated tap of feet on the floor signaled him to not waste anymore time.  



	2. Epiphany p.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Two weeks in and Javier dreaded getting out of bed more than in his entire military training. He survived months and years of vigorous training, how could he not handle two to three hours every other day with a thin Japanese guy? It remained a mystery to him but even Brian noted after a week how punctual he had become earning him a loud desperate laugh and pleading eyes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Chapter 2 part 1. Some revelations are going to be made but most are coming in part 2. :) Enjoy.

Two weeks in and Javier dreaded getting out of bed more than in his entire military training. He survived months and years of vigorous training, how could he not handle two to three hours every other day with a thin Japanese guy? It remained a mystery to him but even Brian noted after a week how punctual he had become earning him a loud desperate laugh and pleading eyes.

“Brian, he makes me arrive five minutes early and he still thinks I am late and on top of that I am not allowed to have coffee in the same room as him. Patrick allowed that, everybody knows how I survive on that perfect dark liquid with just a hint of milk and sugar. I feel like I am going through basic training again my drill sergeants could take some notes from him.” Brian only laughed, scribbling down something on his notepad, Javier was so used to that he ignored those seconds. He was laying down completely on the small couch, one arm covering his face to block out the light and hopefully the world.  


“Javier, just look at you. It has been barely a month, was it two week or something since you two are spending time together but you are more punctual than before, you drink less coffee and actually get more decent food in your body than the protein bars from Tracy. You whine like a five year old...” Javier made a protesting sound at that. “...see...just as I said and you have become fitter. You even go to the gym here on your off days, which I haven’t seen you doing much.” Javier had to admit that the influence of Yuzuru has been evident and everyone took note of the change of his behavior. He did actually start going grocery shopping, filling up his fridge and has regular meals which he cooks himself. He reduced his coffee intake by more than half, goes to the gym on days he is not even meant to be at the center and while his insomnia is not cured, nor the nightmares he does get a few more hours of sleep a day.  


“I feel that guy hates me and wants to torture me. He doesn’t talk much aside from instructions. It really feels so...” Brian hummed in understanding. While Javier did have a lonely job as a sniper, always hiding and being alone when he was with people he really turned into a social butterfly. Enjoyed talking with people, definitely leaned towards listening as he hated talking about his feelings, unless it was Brian. He had no family to spend time with so he surrounded himself with people he met to keep the noise of war out of his head.  


“Yuzuru is different, he has specific methods but give that guy a chance, you have more common than you believe. He is doing you good.” The soldier only groaned, sitting up to finish his coffee, luckily Brian allowed him to have in his office.  


\----

Javier stretched his tense shoulders after leaving his session with Brian and made his way towards the locker room to change. On his way there he heard some chattering and laughter. Not wanting to interrupt but being also curious he hid around the corner.

“So how do you like it here so far?” Javier heard Jason's voice, his always chipper attitude recognizable from everywhere.  


“I like it, people are really nice. I like working here.” Jason hummed and Javier could guess nodded a few times.  


“How is it working with Javier? He is such a nice guy though he really went through a lot.” This was the part he didn’t want to listen to as they were talking about him but his curiosity was stronger.  


“He is... different from what I expected. I read his file and I would think he is not so...how do you put it? Happy? Or is happier and nicer than I thought he would be. From someone who came back from... there... to still have light in his eyes, it is rare.” Yuzuru sounded soft and kind as he spoke of him, complete opposite of how Javier experiences him in their sessions but what really shocked him was the question from Jason.  


“I heard you came here because you wanted to work with him specifically. Is that true?”  


“Yes, he is the reason why I am here.” Javier ran hot and cold in an instant and he had to lean against the wall for support, the information felt like a punch to his chest. Yuzuru came because he wanted to work with him?  


“Why?” Jason followed up but before he could answer or anyone could say anything the sound of Tracy’s voice filled the corridor.  


“Oh Javier, there you are. I wanted to ask you something about your schedule next week. Do you have a moment?” The soldier wished he could sink into a hole because both Jason and Yuzuru appeared from around the corner, their eyes wide just like his. Clearing his throat he nodded in their direction before he took off towards Tracy.  


“Yes, sure. Uhm... I think I have a few minutes to spare before my next session.”   


“Great. Come. I have fresh coffee in my office if you want.” Javier nodded while doing his best to ignore the two pairs of eyes staring at his retreating back.  


\----

Javier wished he could be late for his session, feeling rather uncomfortable as now Yuzuru knew he heard their conversation. He didn’t want things to now turn awkward between them, nor did he have time to deal with the knowledge of the other being here purely because of him. What was so special about him anyway? Shaking his head to clear his thoughts he knocked on the door to signal his presence, then stepped into their usual training room. 

Yuzuru sat by the window, reading through a folder, which Javier could only guess was his given how thick and battered it looked. He used to see it a lot with Brian and even Tracy as they did replace each other in case of sickness or well deserved holidays. The dark haired male looked up, something flashing across his face but it was gone as fast it appeared that Javier had no chance to place it.

“Hi Javier.” Yuzuru said and pointed to the chair in front of him and he sat down after he closed the door behind him. He didn’t know what to say because this was unknown territory to him, they never sat down to talk nor did he see the other with his folder before.  


“Hey uhm...about before. I am sorry, I didn’t mean to hear your conversation with Jason. It was rude of me.” Javier said quickly. He got another shock of his life when Yuzuru actually smiled a little.  


“I am sorry too, we haven’t spoken much though we work together for a while now.” Yuzuru put the folder on the small ledge by the window and placed his hands in his own lap. “So... I am Yuzuru Hanyu, twenty-five. I was born in Japan but moved to Canada when I was sixteen. I have been working with soldiers, veterans and their families since then, specialized in physiotherapy to help people get better, return to duty or settle in for a normal life but the reason why I came to Toronto is because I wanted to work with you Javier.”  


Javier swallowed hard, closing his eyes for a moment to process this revelation. Hearing it said to him directly in such a gentle tone he couldn’t help but feel a weird pressure in his chest.


	3. Epiphany p.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Two updates in a row? Wow, I am on a roll... prepare for feels tho. I am not responsible for any tears and heartbreak caused in the following work.

Javier joined the military at the age of 16. With no legal guardian left he had two choices, either go into foster care for the next two years and spend his life somewhere in a home, hoping to find a family where adoption rate of teenagers was borderline zero or join a military school with aim for a career there. Javier moved into the dorm a week after his 16th birthday with only a suitcase worth of belongings. His family never really had much and what remained would be sold anyway. Deep at the bottom of his suitcase lay the one and only family photo he had, next to a few books and clothes he could deem worthy to keep and had no holes or rips in them. 

He would be lying if a life at a military school was anything easy, most TV shows only covered half the truth and he struggled through his first year but during his second summer with no family to go home to, staying at the dorms he got his shit together and pushed himself to be better. He woke up every day at 4 a.m before any of the teachers would kick his door open and demand him to be at the field in five to start off with training. Javier pushed himself physically but it made him excel in his class, with a tremendous ability with a sniper rifle. On the day of his graduation he got recruited to one of the best training facilities to continue in developing in that field.

Javier went on his first official tour and mission a few days after his 20th birthday and for the next ten years he would not stop being one of the best in the world. Unfortunately the long years, war, killing and watching his comrades being killed takes a toll on a persons mind. Barely anyone who was on active duty as long as he had been came out without any mental or physical damage. Javier didn’t sugarcoat any of it, his folder growing in size with added pages, completed or failed mission, the number of people he took out, along with those who have been lost, his physical and mental health, detailed description of all injuries and scars along his body. There was nothing they left out and the first day he came to the center in Toronto to start his rehabilitation program, Brian Orser his new doctor couldn’t help but frown at it.

\----

If someone would ask Javier when the nightmares started he would have trouble giving an answer. Has he learned to deal better with them? Yes. Did the guilt of taking someone elses life go away? No. Did he stop thinking of all the people who didn’t get to return home to their families and friends and he did? Definitely not. Stopping all these thoughts was impossible, every doctor he spoke to said that to him and Javier simply accepted the damage he took from his work. Would he still return regardless if given the chance? Yes, because there was nothing else he truly knew for half of his life than being a soldier, fighting for his country, because to him Canada has become his home. He may have been born in Spain but since age of five he lived here, became a citizen and wore the flag of this country on his uniform with a sense of pride he could never see having for Spain. Javier's connection to that country lost during a horrible car accident, parents and sister gone from his life forever, leaving him alone in the world.

\----

A painful scream filled Javiers apartment and he shot up into a sitting position on his bed, shirt soaked with his sweat and clinging to his body. His chest was rising and falling with a rapid pace, as if he actually ran a couple of miles on full speed. He buried his face in his hands, feeling the dampness on his cheeks. Javier doesn’t know how long he cried but when the tears finally stopped he dropped his head back on his pillow staring up at the ceiling. Two days in the row he woke up now with the same images waking up screaming and crying.

\----

The mission was straightforward as it can be, the convoy making it’s way down the dirt roads of the desert in their usual formation. Javier sat in the back with his comrades laughing at something that Scott said, Eric nudging his side to comment on how whipped the other was about the nurse in the camp, if he recalled her name was Tessa. Adam only rolled his eyes in front of him not relating to any of the conversation as his boyfriend of four years was waiting for him back home. Nothing felt out of the ordinary, just the usual travel from one camp to another. Maybe that is was why nobody expected the bombs on the road to go off, send two of the front cars flying off to the side of the road. Panic instantly rose inside of Javier and he gripped his gun, Scott trying to stop but too late as they got the blast of a second and third bomb going off, their own car flying in the air and only coming to a halt once it rolled over a few times.

Javier came to his senses feeling pain all over his body but especially in his leg, jammed against the seat and the door. His ears were ringing from the blast and he tried to look around not seeing Eric who should be next to him the door missing on that side. Calling out to Scott who was slumped against the wheel, he reached for his shoulder to check on him. The moment he saw the amount of blood on his head he knew it was too late. The next he leaned forward to check on Adam, a hole in the windshield and blood on the glass greeting him instead. Tears were stinging in his eyes and adrenaline pumped through his veins.

“Eric...Eric.” Javier pushed his rifle between the seat and the door to get his leg free, climbing out on the other side. He dropped to the ground only then recognizing the gunfire exchange and he used the car as cover, scanning his surrounding for Eric. Javier knew better than to call out but he also didn’t need to as his friend suddenly popped up from around the other side, shooting backward and taking cover. Their eyes locked and with a firm nod they knew what had to be done. Javier pushed himself upright on one leg using the broken window frame on the drivers door as leverage and shot. Anyone not wearing their uniform was enemy.  


The exchange continued for a long time and Javier was running out of ammunition. He ducked behind the car to check how many bullets he had left, catching in his peripheral how Eric slid down on the ground. Javier instantly moved over to him, his eyes finally catching on the pool of blood at his friends feet, one side of his uniform completely soaked. 

“Fuck... Eric.” His friend let out a chuckle at that and reached for his tag, using his last energy to rip it off his neck.  


“Thanks for everything.” Javiers fingers closed around the metal as silent tears fell down his cheeks.  


\-----

Javier swallowed hard, closing his eyes for a moment to process this revelation. Hearing it said to him directly in such a gentle tone he couldn’t help but feel a weird pressure in his chest.

“Why did you want to work with me?” The soldier asked after a few minutes of silence, slowly opening his eyes to look at Yuzuru.  


“I wanted to help the man who was the sole survivor of an ambush of a convoy, took out all his enemies with barely any ammunition, collected the bodies of his fallen friends so all of them could be returned home to their families and buried as heroes. I wanted to meet someone who knows how it feels like to lose people he cares for in a blink of an eye and maybe hope for some advise on how to deal with loss.” Javier saw sadness almost despair in the others eyes and he swallowed hard.  


“What happened?” He couldn’t help but ask. Yuzuru turned towards the window, teeth sinking into his lower lip.  


“2011 Great East Japan Earthquake.” Javier sucked in a breath and looked down at his own lap. Yuzuru looked so vulnerable he wondered if he is even allowed to see something so intimate from someone he barely knew.  



	4. Serendipity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A bit of happiness after the previous chapter? Kind of? I need to adjust the tags again :P

It’s been a month since their conversation and everything went back to nearly normal. Javier went to train in the gym when he didn’t have sessions, then had his usual talk with Brian, followed by physio with Yuzuru. The initial harshness with what he was handled, or more of the strict attitude had lessened and at one point he was allowed to have coffee in the same room as his trainer. They did the same amount of exercises to get back the strength he lost in his right leg but also making sure his muscles in other body-parts did not strain or get weaker. Javier felt no issues with daily tasks for half a year now but he aimed to return to active duty if possible and that meant more strength. 

At Yuzurus suggestion about a week ago they changed their schedule to add a massage after their session on Fridays, help Javier to loosen up all tense knots in his body. Today would be the first day and the soldier was tense throughout their session, not sure if he is ready to strip down to boxers in front of another person unless for a medical check-up. Realistically what Yuzuru would be doing is for his medical health but Javier didn’t show his body to anyone, not even in private. He felt slightly insecure given the scars on his skin. Finishing their session the younger sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“What is wrong with you today? You are horribly tense and nervous. You literally flinch each time I touch you. Did I do something wrong?” Javier shook his head quickly.  


“No, you didn’t. It’s just...” He didn’t know how to say it. “It’s about the massage. I haven’t exactly stripped for anyone in a while.” Javier dared to glance at Yuzuru who turned actually red at the choice of his words. “I mean... not like a striptease but like for anyone who is not a doctor to check on my injuries for medical reasons... not like you want to do it for other reasons than that but...God, please make me stop talking.” The soldier groaned and Yuzuru burst out laughing, the sound ridiculous but also endearing as it was the first time he heard him laugh like this.  


“Javier. I do not plan to do anything inappropriate and you do not have to go completely naked. I can avoid touching where you feel really uncomfortable too.” Nodding he ran a hand through his hair, knowing it was stupid but he couldn’t help feel a bit self-conscious about them. Yuzuru approached him slowly and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, waiting for Javier to look at him. “What do you say if we start off with a back massage? Nothing below the waist. If you still feel uncomfortable we can ask someone else to do it. I do believe though it could be good for you.” Javier agreed and went to take a quick shower before, their training always leaving him quite sweaty.  


Yuzuru waited for him in the small massage room, preparing everything so all Javier really needed to do was take his shirt off and lay down on his front. His trainer had a gentle smile on his face again, which did help Javier to relax a little bit. He closed his eyes, relaxed his shoulders and let the other do his job. Sensing some movement and the sound of a bottle cap opening followed.

“I am going to start.” Yuzuru said before he touched him, which he did appreciate. Javier felt the soft touch of hands on his lower back first, it felt a bit weird to him but it was obvious how well trained the other was and after a few minutes he clocked out. The next time he came to his senses, Yuzuru gently brushed his fingers through his hair, shaking his shoulders. Javier blinked turning his head to look at his trainer.  


“Huh?” Yuzuru chuckled at his confused expression.  


“You fell asleep five minutes into the massage.”   


“How long was I asleep?” Yuzuru picked up the watch he previously had taken off and put on the small table next to the oil he used.  


“It’s been two hours. I finished an hour ago but you looked like you actually had a decent sleep, so I let you rest a bit longer. Unfortunately we have to leave soon, the room will be needed by others.” Javier's eyes widened and he got up so fast he actually got dizzy for a moment, a hand on his shoulder stabilized him.  


“Take it slow. I don’t want to carry you to the nurse office because you passed out for real.” The soldier nodded letting the younger male help him to his feet and even get his shirt back on. Javier felt lightheaded from the quick movement, drowsy for having woken up, nevertheless he was well rested. It may have been a two hour nap but it was the first time in so long since he slept without nightmares. It confused him.  


“Thank you.” He managed to say, Yuzuru leading him to the lockers so he could gather his things.  


“You are welcome. Do you want me to go with you? You look rather out of it. I am done for the day only would change into my casual clothes.” Javier blinked at the other both out of surprise for the offer and since his mind wasn’t up to the task yet. “Just give me five minutes.” Yuzuru spoke without giving space for arguments or an answer at that. Javier somehow managed to pack his bag while the other slipped out of the locker for patients to go to the one for staff. He returned a few minutes later, taking both their bags and helping Javier up from the bench he sat on. To save his dignity the soldier managed to walk without having arms around him.  


Living close to the center turned out to be good today, the walk to his apartment spent in comfortable silence. Yuzuru carried their bags on one shoulder, keeping close to Javier in case he lost balance but otherwise gave him space not invading his personal space. Fumbling with his keys at his door, he was saved by the younger taking it out of his hands and unlocking his apartment door for him. If Javier wouldn’t have been so out of it, he may have blushed out of embarrassment. His trainer helped him out of his shoes, put his bag down by the door, along with his own.

“Bedroom?” The first world spoken between them since they left the center and Javier pointed down the corridor. After a firm nod, he felt thin arms circling around his shoulder leading him there, making him sit down on the bed. The older wanted to protest the second he felt hands pulling on his shirt but Yuzuru silenced him with a single glare, pants following soon after. Like a small child he was tucked into his bed, covered with his blanket, eyes already closing and sleep overtaking him again.  


Javier may have imagined it but he could swear he felt a gentle brush of fingers through his hair again and a ghost of lips at his temple. 


	5. Begin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: *insert evil laughter*

Javier woke up to his alarm, rolling over to search for his mobile, blindly tapping around until he found it on the nightstand and turned it off. He buried his face into the pillow, relishing in the softness of the material but his eyes snapped open and he nearly jumped out of bed.

“How did I get home?” He asked trying to backtrack to yesterday and checking his phone. Confirming that it was Saturday and it was his alarm for 9 a.m that woke him up, he was indeed in his boxers, slept through the whole night and even longer given his session with Yuzuru ended around 6 p.m.  


“Yuzuru.” Sprinting towards his front door, he only spotted his own bag and shoes. Scratching his head reconstructing what happened, he halted by his dining table a small sheet of paper laying on top.  


> _“I left your things by the door, your clothes are on the dresser, found your phone in your jeans pocket and put it on the nightstand. If you want to talk here is my number. - Yuzuru”_   
> 

Javier saw the set of numbers below the signature and he didn’t know how to deal with the situation. From what he could remember he had a massage with Yuzuru, fell asleep and afterwards everything was hazy, blurry, he ended up home obviously with the help of his trainer, sleeping at least ten hours more without interruption. He couldn’t recall when was the last time he slept this long and without the nightmares. What did Yuzuru do? Was it maybe the oil he had used or the combination. It left Javier confused. He decided to let the topic rest for until he had coffee and breakfast.

\----

With a full mug of coffee, toast and eggs he sat down by his table again, phone retrieved from the bedroom as well. He added the number of Yuzuru in and while he contemplated for a good half an hour to message him or not he ended up typing a short one.

_To Yuzuru [ Hey, this is Javier. Thank you for yesterday. I don’t know what happened... Uhm but thanks. ]_

A reply came in less than a minute.

_To Javier [ Hey, You are welcome. :) I hope you managed to rest. It looked like you needed it. ]_

_To Yuzuru [ Yes. Don’t remember when was the last time I slept this much. I don’t know what you did but thank you. ]_

_To Javier [ (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و ]_

Javier stared at the set of symbols, turned his phone screen too, needing a few minutes to actually understand but when he did he laughed out loud, sipping from his coffee. He didn’t know what to answer but he just said something he could.

_To Yuzuru [ I am going to the gym at the center. Lunch is on me if you are in as a thank you for yesterday or we do another day? ]_

_To Javier [ o(〃＾▽＾〃)o I can make time for lunch today. I am here already. ]_

The soldier sent a thumbs up than followed up with his morning routine, emptied his bag to throw it in his washing machine for later, packing fresh work out clothes in and leaving. The short walk to the center felt different, he felt like a completely new person. Gabby made a note on it the moment he walked in with a smile on his face, a bounce to his step. Javier laughed it off but when he started to whistle down the corridor he actually stopped, shaking his head because he did behave weird. Yuzuru found him staring in front of him after a few minutes.

“Javier? Why are you standing there and looking like a statue?” A gentle touch to the shoulder and the soldier shivered, pulled back to reality.   


“Oh. Sorry.” Javier turned to look at the other and smiled. “So...Hi...” If he could mentally slap himself he would have for that horrible response, obviously Yuzuru had a hard time to bite back his laughter.  


“Hi. Are you feeling better today?”  


“Yes, that weird thing from yesterday is all gone. Kind of, a lot has been on my mind still.” Yuzuru nodded, his eyes and expression gentle and almost affectionate, something he hadn’t seen on the other before.  Suddenly he remembered the touch of lips at his temple, another shiver running down his spine. Clearing his throat he composed himself.  


“So about the lunch... when are you free? I am flexible just want to do a bit of cardio, nothing straining.” Yuzuru tapped his lips thinking.  


“I have a bit over an hour after 1 p.m?” Javier checked his watch, that meant he had still about two hours and nodded. They agreed to meet at the lockers and go to the one restaurant close-by to grab something to eat.  


\----

Freshly showered and in clothes fit for an outing not just training, he waited for Yuzuru leaving his bag in his locker to avoid carrying it around. He could come pick it up after and go home from here. Javier tapped at the screen of his phone one handed, checking a few e-mails he had received from Brian about their upcoming schedule.

“Hey.” He looked up and smiled at Yuzuru, who also was dressed in more street clothes, not his usual training gear.  


“Hey, I hope you are hungry because I am starving.” The younger grinned and nodded, the two of them starting to walk side by side. A few people gave them odd looks not expecting the two to actually spend time together outside of their sessions but they didn’t pay them much attention. Surprisingly they fell into an easy conversation, talking about normal topics. Javier being a regular at the restaurant got greeted and he tried to hide the embarrassing blush on his cheeks at the raised brown from Yuzuru.  


“I didn’t cook much before? I still come here a lot as it is convenient and good price.” The Japanese appeared to be amused but didn’t note further on the topic. They found a spot in the back by the window, taking the menu offered more for the sake of the younger male than Javier as he knew it by heart. It turned out that Yuzuru was quite a picky eater and only by pure miracle did he settle on his order after a 15 minute debate. Javier ordered his usual but water instead of anything sugar filled to drink. A comfortable silence enveloped them as they waited for their food but Javier felt they should talk about what had happened the day before.  


“About yesterday... I am sorry and also thank you. I have no idea what had happened. First time I felt so out of it and my mind if still quite jumbled about the full picture.” Yuzuru fidgeted in his seat and looked down at the table instead of Javier, causing him to feel more confused.  


“We started with the massage like any other, I used a relaxing oil but around five minutes into, you fell asleep. You didn’t realize when I finished nor did you wake initially when I tried to wake you up so I let you rest for a bit longer, until Jason came around to ask if the room is free as he would need it. I tried again and you did wake up but were completely out of it, as if still half asleep. I was worried you would actually pass out on your way home, so went with you.” Yuzuru ran a hand through his hair and finally looked up at him. “I helped you out of your clothes which I know wasn’t really necessary and I overstepped some boundaries given you were rather uncomfortable getting undressed for the massage itself. I apologize for that. Uhm...I got you settled in bed, put your phone on your nightstand as it fell out of he pocket when I wanted to fold up your clothes. I left after I wrote my note.” Javier nodded a few times, most of the things he remembered even if hazy and foggy.   


“Was is the oil? Or I am not sure. I haven’t been sleeping well for a long time. I can’t explain what happened yesterday but I slept without nightmares for the first time, so even if you did strip me down to my boxers...” Yuzuru let out a small complaining sound at that but Javier had a teasing smile on his face. “I can only be thankful to you.”  


Yuzuru nodded the corners of his lips curling upwards in a small smile. “The oil is something I got from my old teacher. Kikuchi-sensei always took good care of me, teaching me and the oil is self made according to his instructions. Some people experience a stronger reaction to the herbs. Next time I will use one that is not so strong in concentration.”

“You studied in Japan?” Javier asked and the same expression washed over Yuzurus face, the one he had when he mentioned the Earthquake.  


“I started there, came to Canada for a while with Kikuchi-sensei. I traveled a lot between but after 2011 I haven’t been really back. I--I can’t.” He added voice going down with each word.  


“I am sorry, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I learned from Brian that you can’t force people to talk. Also today is meant to be a lunch date, so no difficult topics, okay?” Yuzuru snapped his head up and stared at him with wide eyes.  


“D-date?” The younger repeated and obvious rose tint appearing on his cheeks. Javier felt one on his own, opening his mouth to reply only to be interrupted by the waitress bringing their food. Both turned towards their plates, avoiding eyes contact throughout, finishing in silence. Though if Javier was honest it probably felt like the most comfortable meal he shared with someone in a long while. Yuzuru made him feel at home, like he was a normal person without all those issues from the past and present.


	6. I need you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _If somebody would have told him that he would be spending so much time with his physiotherapist, actually have something like a friendship with him, Javier may or may have not_  
>  punched that person in the face. Now even on the days they didn’t have a session they met at the center at least for a small break, Javier enjoying a coffee in the common room while Yuzuru had a snack or just rested. Javier learned to respect Yuzurus work ethic, the younger working six days a week and spending at least nine to ten hours in each day, helping many people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hmm... *continues evil laughter*

If somebody would have told him that he would be spending so much time with his physiotherapist, actually have something like a friendship with him, Javier may or may have not punched that person in the face. Now even on the days they didn’t have a session they met at the center at least for a small break, Javier enjoying a coffee in the common room while Yuzuru had a snack or just rested. Javier learned to respect Yuzurus work ethic, the younger working six days a week and spending at least nine to ten hours in each day, helping many people. His main priority was Javier, which surprised the soldier, made him rather shy too. He was told that to be the reason for the Japanese coming here in the first place but he could now see how much time Yuzuru actually invested into their sessions. Always prepared about the newest information in his file, medical condition or just small notes from Brian without disclosing information he wasn’t allowed to. Adjusted their sessions based on the daily state of his as some days worse than others were. Javiers mood shifted without much reason and when he was in the best state he didn’t talk much. The two learned to communicate with each other without words, a simple look was enough to know how the other felt.

From home, they exchanged messages sometimes, just to wish each other good night or morning. Simple things but for Javier it turned out to be a routine and if he was just a bit honest with himself he looked forward to those. The best days were when they went out to have lunch together. Neither of them mentioned the word ‘date’ again. At one point they stopped sitting in front of each other, instead they sat hunched over Javiers phone on the same side of the boot, looking at pictures of the cat he got a week ago. Brian advised him to maybe get a pet to have something else in his life too and he went along with the idea without much complain. She was named Effie and Yuzuru was utterly in love with her, always asking for updates or new pictures. They used their lunchtime together to look at all the pictures Javier took, shoulders pressed and thighs touching. It felt comfortable and if he spotted a rosy tint to the younger cheek, he didn’t voice it.

\----

Javier made his way to the center on a normal Wednesday morning but the moment he stepped into Brians office the world tilted off. He knew something was off because his doctor looked rather distressed.

„What’s wrong Brian?” He asked hand on the door-handle not sure, if he should close the door or step out and come back later.

„Oh, Javier. You are already here... I was about to call you to maybe re-schedule. Yuzuru didn’t come in today so we are a bit short on staff, your session with him is also cancelled. I wanted to call you but...” Javier blinked.

„Yuzuru is not in today? Why? Did something happen?” Brian fidgeted in his chair.

„Today is the 11th of March?” Javier blinked confused not sure, what his doctor meant by that at first but when it dawned on him his lips parted in a small ‘o’. „We completely forgot about it, he did too but...” Brian ran his hands down his face. “I don’t know how much you know, if he told you. I don’t want to share too much but can we re-schedule your things today?”

„I know a bit, no details and yeah, it is fine. We can do this another day if you are swamped.” Brian released a long sigh and thanked him. Javier didn’t linger after that leaving him to deal with calls and re-scheduling. Now that he looked around the center, everyone appeared to be on the edge, hurrying left and right, making calls or talking to people in the corridor. Now that the smiling Japanese wasn’t around the whole place felt more grey and cold. Javier shivered though he was dressed warm.

Pulling out his phone from his jacket, he stared at the contact information of Yuzuru, contemplating if he should reach out to him. Gathering up his courage, he typed a message.

_To Yuzu ᵔᴥᵔ [ Hey. I don’t want to overstep but if you want, I can go over to your place? Or you come and finally meet Effie?... Listen I know how hard things can be, your mind going off into a very dark place. What I am trying to say here is that if you need someone today, you can count on me. ]_

Javier is not stupid, he knows that his message was a long stretch, it was definitely out of line, not something he should be saying. All in all he doesn’t know much about Yuzuru if he really thinks about it. Most of their conversations are casual or regarding their work together, the center and his cat. A few basic information he gathered from the younger through time, slipped between their conversations. Only one time did the other mention the earthquake and only in name, no details but Javier knew something horrible had happened because the expression Yuzuru had on his face, he was familiar with. As he did not expect a reply at all, he made a quick stop by the grocery store to pick up a few items he would need, cat food mostly and some snack for Effie as well because he was spoiling her immensely, before returning to his apartment. Grocery bags in his hands Javier walked down the corridor on his floor of the complex, looking down to fish out his keys from his pants pocket without dropping any of the bags. Letting out a triumphant ‘aha’ as he finally had the keys out, eyes raising to look towards his door only to actually drop one of the bags he tried not to. Right there in front of his apartment door sat the dark haired male, head buried on his folded knees. The rustling sound of plastic and a can of cat food comically rolling towards his feet alerted the younger, raising his head. Their eyes locked and Javier felt his heart breaking taking in the sight in front of him. Yuzuru did not resemble his usual self at all, his hair was sticking out at odd ends and his eyes were red and puffy, lips parting to say something but closed right away, his trademark scrunchy smile completely gone from his features. Yuzuru stood up picking up the can and the dropped bag, eyes on the floor not looking at Javier. The soldier reached forward with his now free hand and touched the others cheek, ever so softly. The Japanese looked up at him, eyes searching his face.

„Come on. Let’s go inside.” Javier said unlocking the door and opening it for Yuzuru to go in first. The groceries were put away in silence, Yuzuru handing him each item for the soldier to sort into their respective space. No words were spoken between them all the while. Effie appeared after they were finished curious of the new person in the apartment. The dark haired male scrunched down to allow her to sniff his hand. It was love at first sight as Effie instantly bumped her head at the outstretched hand, demanding affection.  


„She likes you.” Javier said from behind them, Yuzuru turning his head to look at him with a ghost of smile on his face. „We can move to the couch it is much more comfortable and soon she will try to climb on top of you, so maybe it is better.” Yuzuru still hasn’t spoken a word, silently picking up Effie and moving to the couch to sit, cat in his lap. Javier joined them with two glasses of water.  


Yuzuru kept brushing the soft fur of Effie, as if he needed the comfort and Javier didn’t speak, let him do what he needed but felt happy that he did come over. He doesn’t know how much time has passed before the first tears started to roll down his cheeks the upset sound of Effie making him look to the side. 

„Yuzu...” Javier called softly, reaching a hand over to brush some of the tears away. The younger shifted towards him instantly, the cat jumping off his lap as she felt in the way. Javier mentally thanked Effie for it as the next second the other was clinging to his chest, half sitting on his lap. The soldier wrapped his arms around him, hands rubbing along his back to sooth him, cheek pressed against his hair. „It’s alright. I am here.” He whispered to the shaking form in his arms, feeling as the fingers clenched his shirt tighter. Javier had to make Yuzuru shift a bit as the angle he was leaning towards him didn’t look as comfortable. In the end the younger fully sat on his lap, pressed to his chest with his face buried against his shoulder. Javier felt the tears wetting his shirt but ignored it, continuing to rub soothing circles along his back, hair and to whisper comforting words in his ear. After a long time the tears have ceased along with the shaking of his small shoulders but neither of them moved from their position. The sun set in the background filling his apartment with an orange glow, only then did Yuzuru retreat, quickly rubbing away any remains of tears from his face, not daring to look at Javier. The soldiers palm settled on the back of Yuzurus neck in hope it would make him pry his hands away. The other did remove them, looking at Javier eyes more swollen and red than before. Something like understanding, trust and affection crossed his features below all the sadness and pain.  


If someone asked him who leaned in first, he couldn’t say because the moment he shifted forward, Yuzuru did the same and their lips met in a gentle touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Who spotted the change of contact information in Javiers phone? ;P


	7. Save me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _At first, it was a fleeting touch to the lips, a gentle brush but Yuzuru wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pressed closer, his long fingers brushing through his hair. Javier released a sigh at the feeling, tilting his head to the side to deepen their kiss. Yuzuru responded with more eagerness, nibbling at his lower lip, demanding for more and Javier was more than willing to give. Minutes passed or hours, he has no idea but when they finally pull away they were both out of breath, Yuzurus cheeks tinted a darker shade of red._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Excuse if there is some grammar issues, typed up most on mobile, read through dozen of times but I may have still missed some stuff.

At first, it was a fleeting touch to the lips, a gentle brush but Yuzuru wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pressed closer, his long fingers brushing through his hair. Javier released a sigh at the feeling, tilting his head to the side to deepen their kiss. Yuzuru responded with more eagerness, nibbling at his lower lip, demanding for more and Javier was more than willing to give. Minutes passed or hours, he has no idea but when they finally pull away they were both out of breath, Yuzurus cheeks tinted a darker shade of red. Closing his eyes, he relished in the moment, the closeness and the remaining taste of Yuzuru on his tongue, a hint of saltiness from his tears. Slowly Javier opened his eyes to look at the younger male who stared at his t-shirt, obviously conflicted about what just happened. Actions done in the spur of the moment. 

„I---” He started, shoulders going tense and ready to bolt away, already moving to get off his lap but Javier didn’t let him, tightening his hold around his small waist.

„Please...Don't.” Yuzuru froze, his eyes searching his face. Javier felt confused about the kiss but the butterflies in his stomach were in full flight, heart hammering against his chest. The Japanese moved his hand to his shoulder than lower and certainly could feel how fast it beat under his shirt. Javier watched as his adams apple bobbed as he swallowed, then moved in to let their foreheads rest against each other. Javier relaxed and closed his eyes again. Yuzuru spoke cutting the silence in the room short.

„I am sorry, I should have done that another time.” It wasn’t that he shouldn’t have done it, or how he regretted doing kt. Yuzuru admitted to have wished to do it another time, maybe with a better timing, which in retrospect meant he wanted to do this before or sometime in the future. Javier smiled at the idea all of thaf, closing the small distance between them to peck Yuzurus lips.

„I didn't mind.” His choice of words caused Yuzuru to laugh lightly, his breath tickling his lips.

„I like you.” Yuzuru suddenly confessed, pulling back enough to look at Javier, watching as the smile on the soldiers lips became brighter.

„I like you too, Yuzu.” The color returned to the youngers face and he quickly hid it against his shoulder, arms wrapping around him again. Javier hummed, rubbing a few more slow circles along his back.

\----

They stayed like that for a really long time, until the orange colors from the setting sun disappeared the one streetlight in front of his living room window their only light source; all the while exchanging kisses and simply staying close. Javier wanted to ask about the elephant in the room but also didn't want to ruin the mood. As if Yuzuru read his mind he pulled back to look at him.

„If I told you...would you still hold me?” The question was a weird one as Javier had no intention of letting Yuzuru go, at this point it was more than obvious he would be staying over.

„Always.” He answered instead. „Though maybe we can move to be more comfortable?” While Yuzuru was light as a weather which surprised him as he knew he was muscular his legs were falling asleep at this point. The younger blinked, the blush returning to his cheek.

„Uhm. I am fine with that but maybe...uhm..." He stammered at the words biting down on his lower lip.

„You can use the bathroom and I will lend you a change of clothes. Do you maybe want to eat something?" Yuzuru shook his head saying he had no appetite and got off his lap holding a hand out to help Javier up. The soldier winced a bit as he stood on his right leg, the other instantly moving closer to support him.

„I am sorry. I sat there too long... Does it hurt?" Javier could see worry in his eyes shaking his hand and reaching up to cup his cheek.

„Don't worry. It is normal if I sit too long or wake up in the morning." Yuzuru didn't appear to be convinced but didn't linger on the topic which Javier appreciated. They moved towards the bedroom where he took out some shorts and a t-shirt he didn't wear anymore as it was too small for him but could fit the younger perfectly, also instructed where to find a second toothbrush and towels. With a shy smile the younger retreated to the bathroom to take a quick shower and change. Javier did a few stretching exercises, made sure Effie had food and water, scratched under her chin when he came over to settle in her bed. At the sound of soft footsteps he turned his head, instantly biting down on his lower lip. Yuzuru had a towel on his head drying his wet hair, the clothes a bit big on him still but it caused his stomach to do those weird flips again. Javier pushed himself up from his crunching position and grabbed his own clothes. The Japanese looked at him from under his towel, hair covering his eyes. The soldier couldn't help but reach out and brush them aside and lean in to kiss him. Yuzuru reacted instantly raising his head to fix the weird angle. Javier had a hard time pulling away.

„Okay, if I don't go I won't be showering..." The honking laughter of the other continued even after he closed the bathroom door. Javier took the time under his shower to clear his mind, settle a few things and prepare for the upcoming talk. He felt happy but confused at the same time about the whole afternoon. Making sure to brush his teeth, he got dressed in his usual sleep attire and returned to the bedroom.

Yuzuru was laying on the bed already with Effie by his side. Javier rolled his eyes at that. "If this continues she is going to like you more." The younger leaned closer to the cat and whispered something to her in Japanese. Javier shook his head closing the curtains and taking out an extra blanket and a few more pillows from his closet. Effie trotted back to her place when Javier dropped one pillow way too close to her, mock offense written all over her face.

„Now you made her upset. She will like me more." Javier shrugged.

„I will live, I mean you will just have to visit more often." He froze, shoulders tensing but as he glanced at Yuzuru he only saw affection in his eyes and smiled. It took a bit of struggle until they found a comfortable position. Javier with his arm around the younger males waist and him pressed to his chest. They left enough room to be able to talk and look at each other. Silence enveloped them, both unsure how to undress the topic. Yuzuru inhaled, closed his eyes and started.

„I grew up in Japan and spent most of my life there but I never really fit in. I had health issues from young and got interested in learning more to counter it which resulted in me studying it in school, later helping others. I found a sensei uhm...like a teacher who helped me a lot and he worked a lot with athletes and soldiers. His methods were a bit different, people in Japan didn't quite like it. Nothing traditional you could say and Japanese are rather traditional especially in medicine. My family supported my goals though and allowed me to travel with him. I learned a lot and I loved doing what I was doing. We somehow got to Canada and my life turned into online school and learning from Kikuchi-sensei. Occasionally I returned home to spent time with my family until March 11th 2011. I was visiting home and watching my sister skate at the rink close-by. She really loved figureskating and had gotten medals, a few international competitions but never too grand... Well maybe she would have but... " Yuzuru chocked up and had to take a few moments to continue, Javier gently stroked his back, supporting. „So we were at the rink when everything happened. The ice cracked, spotlights came down, racks of skates falling over. I honestly don't remember how I got out of there but what I saw outside was much worse. It looked like the city has been wiped out. In the chaos I lost my sister but we found each other again at the school gym where people went to. We spent four days there, barely any room, people crying, children and elderly, hardly any food or water. So many had injuries so I did what I could to help while my sister did her best to get in contact with our parents. My father was at work and my mother at home... We...they..." A single tear escaped his eyes and Javier understood. Yuzuru buried his face in the soldiers shoulder. „For years I felt like I escaped, made a run for it but I couldn't stay there the memories were breaking me. I permanently relocated to Canada. My sister stayed, though she comes to visit me a few times a year. Usually for birthdays and Christmas or New Year's. She has a family now a beautiful baby boy was born two years ago and they are thinking of another child. I am proud of her but I...I can't return and every year on this day everything comes back." Yuzuru fell silent, tears rolling down his cheeks but not the same extent as on the couch. Javier ran his fingers through his hair, holding him until he calmed down again.

„I am sorry I am like this today..." The younger said and Javier made him stop.

„No, you never have to say sorry for your emotions or thoughts, okay? I would never wish these things in anyone but you were so strong. You fought and look at where you are today? You are amazing. I want to thank you for opening up and telling me all this. I know it is not easy to talk about these things but no matter what I am here for you. Okay?" Javier pressed a kiss to the others forehead. Yuzuru nodded, his arms tightening around Javier. They stayed like that not speaking and ended up falling asleep a short while later, exhausted though Yuzuru was more so than Javier but he felt comfortable and relaxed. 


	8. I'm fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Javier wakes up early in the morning, feeling a shift of the mattress next to him. He feels disoriented and something is off, then he slowly starts to recall yesterdays events. Yuzuru came over, he cried against his chest, they actually kissed and confessed, then went to bed tangled in each others arms and fell asleep._

Javier wakes up early in the morning, feeling a shift of the mattress next to him. He feels disoriented and something is off, then he slowly starts to recall yesterdays events. Yuzuru came over, he cried against his chest, they actually kissed and confessed, then went to bed tangled in each others arms and fell asleep. In a split second he runs hot and cold because he doesn’t know if it is all a dream or maybe once Yuzuru is not in that emotional state he will do as if nothing happened and he has to find a way how to deal with this new found romantic affection towards his physiotherapist. His dilemma is cut short with another shift to the mattress and a warm body moving closer to his again. Javier pries his eyes open though feels still too sleepy. 

“Sleep. It’s still early.” Javier hums at the whisper followed by a small kiss to his lips and slumber takes him all over again. The next time he wakes a small line of sunshine is coming through the small section of the curtains he didn’t close properly and groans. Rolling on his back he feels his left arm being numb, with a weight still laying on top of it. He turned his head with tired eyes, blinking more often to get the sleep away and sees Yuzuru peacefully sleeping next to him. His dark hair is fanned out all over the pillow, Javiers arm stuck under it and most likely has been the whole night. He doesn’t dare to shift more in fear of waking the younger male up, he needs all the rest in the world but he also needs to use the bathroom. Before Javier can go into a lengthy internal dilemma the body next to him moves and the dark eyes blink open. Javier can’t help but smile at the cute frown on the others face as he himself appears to going through the confusion of where he is. Their eyes lock and now Yuzuru is smiling as well, the hand on his chest twisting the material of his shirt.  


“Ohayo.” Yuzuru whispers and quickly corrects himself when Javier gives him a raised brow, not understanding the words. “I mean...good morning.”  


Javier chuckles, leans close to press a kiss to his nose. “Good morning to you too.” They stare at each other for a long time, having thousands of conversations just with the gaze. Yuzuru is the first to move to sit up, releasing the arm of Javier who tries not to wince as the army of ants is running along the entire length. He sits up himself and now that he is free to move without needing to worry gets up to do his morning bathroom run. Yuzuru lingers in bed, stretching left and right then gets up too. Javier is brushing his teeth with the bathroom door open and Yuzuru peeks his head instead, asking if he can join. The bathroom is a bit small they barely fit next to each other at the sink but they manage and brush their teeth together. Somehow it feels good, Javier is relaxed and they maneuver around each other like they have been doing this for a long time and not for the first morning.

The soldier leaves to get his coffee pot going and starts preparing for breakfast. Yuzuru joins him a few minutes later, leaning against the small counter in his kitchen.

“How do you drink your coffee?” Javier asks over his shoulder, throwing two slices of bread in his toaster.  


“I don’t drink coffee.” Yuzuru says and Javier freezes to actually turn around and look in shock at the younger.  


“What?” There is laughter at his reaction but it followed by a nod.   


“I don’t drink coffee, I don’t like the taste. Do you have tea maybe? If not water is more than fine.” Javier is still blinking and staring as if he saw a ghost, shaking his head to  get moving. He opens one of the cupboards and reaches into the far back, recalling to have had some green tea bags laying around a while ago. Hopefully they did not expire or worse. Luck is on his side because his fingers brush against the box and retrieves it, checks the date and sighs relaxing.  


“I have this one?” He hands the box to Yuzuru and the watches as it is turned in he others hand, reading through the labels.  


“Not bad. I will have this, please.” Javier nods and actually turns on his boiler for hot water. The soldiers turns back to making breakfast but halts with the bacon and eggs.  


“Do you eat bacon and eggs for breakfast? I also have some cherry tomatoes to go along or bell pepper?” Yuzuru burst out laughing.  


“I do it bacon and eggs...but please no bell pepper. I take the tomatoes.” His face twists in a clear disgust as he says ‘bell pepper’, apparently recalling some unpleasant memory, and somehow Javier wants to know the story behind that. Maybe he will ask later.  


Yuzuru ends up coming around the counter and washes the tomatoes, takes two plates and once the toast is ready he puts some butter on each. Javier piles a good amount of eggs on their plates and a few slices of crispy bacon. They settle at his table with coffee and tea. He watches as the younger clasps his hands together, mumbles something under his breath before he starts eating. Javier watches with a fond expression.

A light chatter as they eat fills his apartment, their legs touching under the table, a small smile present on their lips. Yesterday seems to be forgotten or at least the mood has improved and Javier is not one to poke the bear, so doesn’t ask about it. A lot has been shared now and he feels they have become much closer and not just in the physical sense. Yuzuru helps doing the dishes, working shoulder to shoulder. Javier checks his schedule, or the revised version Brian promised to send him, and Yuzuru does the same. The younger has to leave first as his wants to get fresh clothes and his bag from his place before his first session. As per usual Javier only starts at the center in the afternoon. The two hug and share a long kiss by the door, having a hard time to separate and Javier likes this. He likes how this feels, how Yuzuru makes him feel. The blissful moment is disturbed by the complain of Effie as her bowl is empty. Javier closes his eyes gathering all his patience, Yuzuru snickers but ends up using it as an opportunity to leave, stealing another kiss from Javier and a promise to see each other later.

\----

The two settle into a rhythm with each other. Yuzuru stays over at Javiers place at least two or three times a week, mostly due to it being close to the center and seeing Effie. The cat obviously enjoys the addition to the household, grown just as fond of the Japanese as her owner. Javier made room in his closet for Yuzuru and his bathroom suddenly had more products in it, he may or may have not exchanges his shower gel to the citrus one the younger uses. They have now loose Japanese tea in the cupboard, which the other likes so much along with rice and somehow he bought a small rice cooker. Though if Javier recalls it correctly it was a decision purely based on the number of complains of the other how it just doesn’t taste good from a normal pot.

Mid-April with his Birthday approaching in a few days it hit him. Yuzuru took the weekend off which was a miracle on it’s own but they did plan to do a small trip away in a peaceful cabin. Brian approved of the idea and since Yuzuru would be with him, he wasn’t as worried that something may go wrong. Javier woke up Wednesday morning, with Yuzuru still peacefully asleep next to him. For weeks now he had no nightmares and slept through almost all nights, with the occasional internal clock ringing and him getting up shortly before 5 a.m like today. Javier got out of bed and carefully pulled the bedroom door close, though leaving a small space for Effie as they learned if she has no option to leave she will be loud about it. Carefully he went through his morning routine in the bathroom followed by starting his coffee machine. It was then were he stopped and stared into the cupboard the most mundane thing triggering his internal crisis. Two cups laid neatly in front of him, one for Javier and one for Yuzuru. Somewhere along the past month his apartment became theirs. He was certain most of Yuzurus things were already here and he barely went to his own anymore, maybe once a week to check on things. Javier had to sit down to process the situation. Behind the coffee machine gurgled away spitting out his favourite drink but all he could think about now was how they literally moved in together. Overall the most surprising realization for him was that he loved the idea of it. He couldn’t imagine not having Yuzuru laying with Effie on his stomach on his couch in the evenings, watching some random TV show. Each time he would laugh the cat would dig her claws in his shirt to make him stop moving. They go together to the center, work together once Javier finishes with Brian, go shopping and buy things both of them like. Half of the bathroom shelf belongs to Yuzuru same with the closet, they sleep wrapped in each others arms each night. They do kiss a lot and touched each other once or twice but they haven't had sex yet, which was confusing too.

Javier lingered on that thought for a little while longer. Obviously the attraction was there and he remembers one particular morning where they let their desires take form. He settled between the others parted legs, grinding against him with lips exploring every inch of exposed skin. Another instance he sneaked into the shower when Yuzuru was in there and he jerked him off from behind. The younger returned the favour in the morning with his head under the covers. That was the furthest they have went but Javier was not in a hurry but now with all these revelations he wondered.

Was Yuzuru actually happy? Should they actually take the step to officially move in together? A small weekend trip in a private cabin would mean only them and does that involve going a step further? His thoughts were racing which happened quite often to him. Javier so lost in them he didn’t hear the coffee machine beeping to signal it was done or that Effie brushed against his leg to demand her breakfast. He didn’t even see Yuzuru waking up, coming to the kitchen until his mug now filled with coffee got placed in front of him and he sat on the chair next to him.

“A penny for your thoughts.” Javier focused on Yuzuru and his gentle smile.  


“Will you move in with me?” He blurted out the question, causing the younger to nearly choke on his tea. Javier rubbed soothing circles on his back, apologizing for two minutes straight. “I’m sorry. I--” He didn’t get to finish, silenced by a pair of lips on his own tasting of green tea and a bit of toothpaste.  


“I would love to.” Javier grinned pulling his lover in for a more passionate kiss with a palm on the back of his neck .  



	9. Best of me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am sorry for not having updated sooner but this week has been a nightmare and didn't find the time to write as much as I wanted to but here is some consolation? Hopefully I can work on something on the weekend and post a new chapter on Monday. But not making any promises...

Surprisingly after he the question was out of the window, things went on smoothly. Slowly the moving in was happening because the next day they decided to go together to Yuzurus place and pack up a few boxes to take along. It was the first time Javier went to the others place and realized how little belongings he had, just like him. They barely managed to fill up ten moving boxes with all the remaining things. The furniture came with the apartment, so they didn’t need to bother about that at all. Javier asked Jason if he could lend his car for the evening, which the other was more than delighted to give to him. The soldier had to tune out all the squeaking from Jason prior his agreeing though, the other was way too delighted to hear they are moving in together. 

Loading all the boxes in the trunk and backseats took them half an hour and Javier waited by the car while Yuzuru did a quick sweep of his place, making sure nothing got left behind. He would order someone to clean the place and let the property owner know about his departure. In barely a day, they ended up officially moving in together and Javier couldn’t feel happier. Anything Yuzuru did not need right now was left in the boxes and pushed into one corner of the living room. Yuzuru felt no hurry to unpack and the next morning, they would go off on their small weekend trip anyway. The plan was to leave early, Javier driving Yuzuru to the rental car place to pick up the one they planned to get for their trip, while he gives Jasons back. As the moving was not calculated to be happening a day before they had to ask someone to lend them a car for an evening, but now they had to take it back as Jason would need it to get to work. Yuzuru would pick up their rental and drive after him to Jasons place so they could leave from there directly. A little delay happened as Jason was so excited and wanted to hear details, it was a pure miracle they could make their escape. Both adored the guy but he was hyper as a few months old puppy. 

During the drive they started to discuss about buying a car as it appeared they would need one in the future, until now both lived rather close to their workplace, not requiring a vehicle. 

\----

The drive up to the cabin was nice though longer than expected. Around mid-way after a short rest, fueling up on coffee and tea, Javier took over the wheel. It turned out Yuzuru has not driven a lot even though he has a license and soon they would be driving on dirt road, where he was not comfortable enough. Javier on the other hand had certainly more experience with a rougher terrain to drive on than actually highways. Along the way they chatted about the things they may want to do in the apartment, get some colors on the walls and hang some pictures maybe. Mostly it was Yuzuru who felt the need to make their place a bit more comfortable, not even his own looked like anything but a place to sleep at. Javier nodded though unless it was a crazy color on the walls, he had no preference. If their conversation fell silent it was comfortable, Javiers hand on the others thighs, with Yuzuru covering it with one of his own. Driving up to the cabin was nice and Javier parked on the small space before the stairs to the entrance. According to the instructions the keys would be under in the small mailbox and Yuzuru retrieved them, while Javier grabbed their bags and groceries. 

Yuzuru opened the door and helped him carry the things from the stairs inside, working together to store the food in the fridge. Once that was taken care of and they did not need to worry about anything going bad, they walked around the small place together. It was a decent sized cabin, ideal for two people escaping the busy city. Right in front of the cabin there was a lake but the temperatures have not been extremely warm yet so the two did not hope for much swimming, instead would plan to enjoy the hot tub. The open atmosphere of the kitchen and living room was to their liking, the bathroom spacious for the overall size of the cabin but the bedroom took the glory with a balcony and a view towards the lake. The hot tub occupying one corner of the balcony clearly in aim to have the breathtaking view in front. Javier opened the door to let out some fresh air and to step out on the balcony, Yuzuru busied himself with unpacking a few things he will need. Leaning on the wooden railing he closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in the scent of pine, a soft breeze making his hair move. It was silent, no sounds of the city and while he may have missed that and Effie too it felt good to have nature around him all over again. Yuzuru joined him after a few minutes, approaching from behind and wrapping his arms around his middle. The younger rested his chin on his shoulder.

“It’s beautiful” He spoke and Javier could only agree on that. Shifting he pulled Yuzuru against his side, placing a kiss on his temple, the other melted into him.  


“Not as beautiful as you.” Javier whispered and Yuzuru scrunched his face up.  


“So cheesy.” Nevertheless he turned his head to place a small kiss on the soldiers lips.  


“Should we eat first or hot tub?” Javier considered before he decided it was best to cook, eat and unpack because once they get into the hot tub the chances of doing any of that would decrease rapidly.  


\----

After dinner they cleared off the rest and did the dishes. Javier managed to turn on the tub before they went to eat and by now the water was warm enough. They changed into swim shorts, though with their backs turns to each other. On Javiers side it was mostly to control his urge to touch Yuzuru, they still haven’t and he couldn’t help but think about it as he looked at the spacious bed. Shaking the thought away for a moment he went out to sink into the hot tub slowly, melting as the warm water helped his muscles to relax. Yuzuru joined him a few minutes later. Javier ran his hand through his hair, eyes falling on the approaching figure, watching as the younger slowly sat down. All the thoughts returned as he scanned the line of muscles, the fair skin and dark hair. Javier swallowed shifting in his seat a bit uncomfortable. His boyfriend sensed the movement and looked at him, a small smirk on his lips. Before he could say anything the Japanese shifted and boldly moved to sit on his lap, arms wrapping around his shoulders and bringing them closer. Javier looked into the others eyes, how own arms wrapping around his tiny waist. A thousand conversations held by a simple gaze, their way of communicating most of the time, not needing words to understand what the other was thinking or feeling. They both leaned in at the same time, lips meeting at first in a gentle kiss but soon turning more passionate. Javier felt long fingers tangling in his hair, teeth nibbling on his lower lip while his own hands moved along the curves of his boyfriends body.

“We should have stayed in the bedroom...” Yuzuru whispered against his lips and Javier took that as a sign to stand up, hands steadily holding onto the younger in his lap. He felt strong legs wrapping around his waist the second he stood up, managing to get out of the tub without dropping Yuzuru or actually breaking their necks. They left a trail of water as they went but neither cared especially not Javier who currently had his neck assaulted by lips and teeth. The soldier got to the bed and dropped Yuzuru onto the covers, his breath catching in his throat at the sinful sight. The other had water droplets all over his body, a slight pink tint to his fair skin due to the hot water and arousal, his shorts clung to his legs and a very obvious dent in the front; lips parted and swollen from their kisses. Javier groaned reaching for the shorts to pry them down, which with the wet material was a challenge but Yuzuru raised his hips to help him out; his own followed and got tossed into the bathroom. His boyfriend scooted a bit upwards on the bed, watching Javier with lust in his eyes, legs falling apart to make room for him, which he gladly occupied a few seconds later. Javier claimed his lovers lips again, pressing their bodies together both moaning as they ended up rubbing against each other. Yuzuru hooked his legs around his waist and rolled his hips to have more friction, Javier gladly providing with grinding down; never breaking the kiss.   


Javier broke their kiss to move along the exposed neck of his lover, marking the skin and making Yuzuru moan louder, fingers returning in his hair. Traveling down he put some distance between them which by the sound of protest Yuzuru didn’t like but when he flipped his tongue over his nipple it was replaced by a soft whine. Javier actually dreamed of doing this and he made sure to give the much deserved attention to each pink bud, turning the younger into an utter mess already. By the time he reached his waist, pressing kisses along his chest beforehand, Yuzuru was leaking at the tip. The sight caused his own erection to twitch between his legs but ignored it. Javier wrapped his hands around the base, his tongue running along the head, tasting the saltiness of his boyfriend. Yuzuru bucked his hips upwards into the touch, one hand grabbing onto the pillow under his head, the other still tangled in his hair. Javier locked eyes with the Japanese and slowly sank down, lips wrapping around his erection. The sounds the other made were music to his ears, the soft gasps, the loud moans or the slightly high-pitched whines. Javier let those sounds lead him, bobbing his head in a steady pace, hollowing his cheeks to suck harder or linger and tease the leaking tip. Yuzuru pulled at his hair, gasping and trying to say something, his stomach obviously tensing. Javier hummed in understanding but did not stop until he felt Yuzuru arch up from the bed and tasted him on his tongue. He stroked the other through his high, swallowing and making sure not to waste a single drop. The Japanese had his eyes covered with his forearm, breathing heavily. Javier kissed up along his chest and when he placed a kiss to his jaw, the younger moved his arm away, looking at him with a dazed but blissful expression, his skin and face shining with the afterglow.

“Javi...” He felt his head being held firm but gently and the soft pressure of lips on his own. The kiss turned passionate again and before Javier knew what was happening he got pushed on his back with the younger settling on his lap. The soldier groaned, hands settling on strong hips, trying not to grind up but also not needing to because as if Yuzuru read his mind again, he did that, then proceeded to lean over to grab something from the drawer in the nightstand.  



	10. Euphoria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey all, yes I am alive, kind of. Life has been crazy so I didn't get to write and then out of the blue the season started and Yuzu managed to murder me yesterday with his SP. Just watch the practice and in a few hours he is taking the ice for the free. Before I completely lose my shit, I decided to post this chapter... I hope you all like it, also excuse if there is any grammar, been writing on my mobile every free second I had. Feedback is appreciated!

His breath caught in his throat when he spotted the small bottle of lube and condom in the others hand. For a split second he frowned, not sure if this is really happening or that maybe they should be waiting but the moment he opened his mouth to ask he felt a pair of lips on his own, silencing him. Yuzuru rolled his hips down and both moaned into their kiss, Javier fingers digging into his soft skin on his hips. Distracted by their passionate making out, he missed the sound of the bottle opening but when Yuzuru tensed up a little bit above him his eyes shot open and he pulled away from the kiss. With the loss of distraction the younger bit down on his lower lip, expression shifting to show a slight discomfort. Javier watched mesmerized, seeing how the others hand was straining with the angle but also how the initial discomfort on his face turned into pleasure as he kept going. Javier moved up to kiss along his neck, nibbling on the skin, marking and Yuzuru tipped his head to the side to provide better access. Blindly he reached for the bottle Yuzuru dropped on the sheets again and poured some of it’s content on his finger, moving his hand behind the other, breathing a ‘can I’ in the others ear. The younger nodded, wiping his hand on the sheets before he gripped onto the soldiers shoulder. Javier kissed up to his lips again, using it as a distraction to push a finger inside, feeling how easily he slipped in, Yuzuru having done the initial stretching. 

The younger mewled into the kiss, his fingers running through the olders hair, gripping slightly. Javier took his time but his lover grew impatient, grinding down to feel more and he took that as a signal to add a second finger, stretching him further. Yuzuru visibly shivered letting out a long whine like moan above him, quickly biting down on his lower lip to muffle his sounds, when Javier found the right angle and brushed against his prostate. Javier tried not to smirk in triumph, keeping the angle, watching as Yuzuru came undone above him.

“Javi..” The younger whined but got shushed by the soldier, telling him that he was still not ready but proceeded to add a third finger instead of continuing with his teasing. Apparently that did not help as his boyfriend grew more and more impatient and a few minutes later Javier found himself pushed down on the mattress. Yuzuru reached for the condom and ripped the packed open with his teeth, scooting lower to sit on the soldiers thighs, locking his eyes with him. Of course he had to return the teasing, running his long fingers along his neglected erection, stroking him a few times and even pressing a teasing kiss on the leaking tip. Javier struggled to keep his own moans down, hips pushing up into the touch.

They stared at each other with pure lust and Yuzuru took action, moving back once the condom was on Javier, raised his hips and slowly guided him inside. It was a stretch even with the fingers before, having been too long since he had sex with anyone but he moved slowly. Javier dutifully distracted him again with kisses to his lips, neck and shoulder, hands running soothing circles on his lower back. Yuzuru released a long breath once he sat down completely. Javier cursed under his breath, the tightness and warmth overwhelming him, and be appreciated the time the younger took to adjust, as he used it to collect himself. 

Using his shoulder as leverage he felt how the muscles on Yuzurus thighs flexed and the younger started to move in slow rolls of his hips. Javier closed his eyes feeling incredible pleasure from the way his boyfriend moved, being buried in his heat each time his hips moved down. Yuzuru released the sweetest sounds, voice raising a pitch higher whenever the angle was perfect. Javier forced his eyes open unable to keep his gaze away. Yuzurus hair clung to his slightly wet forehead, sweat running down his brow and his muscles flexed with each movement. He had a hard not to come just at the sight, Yuzuru looked gorgeous. Making room between their pressed up chests he wrapped his hand around the youngers erection, feeling the wetness of his pre-cum already. His action was rewarded with a long drawn mewl and Yuzuru cupped his cheeks to kiss him.

"Close..." The younger moaned and Javier nodded in agreement. While it felt good and he wished they could keep going for longer it was also too good and he had been on the verge of release. Javier picked up the pace of his strokes and started to meet Yuzuru halfway thrusting up each time he came down. Their breath along with their moans mengled together in the small space between their lips, brushing together but not completely kissing.

Yuzuru came first with an beautifully arched back and a loud moan, clenching down on Javier making him follow after a single thrust. The younger collapsed on top of him and Javier wrapped his arms around his frame, ignoring the mess between them. Few minutes passed, both collection themselves, getting their breathing back to normal before they moved. Javier looked at Yuzuru leaning in to kiss his lips softly, feeling a smile form on the others lips as they did so. No words were needed to describe how both of them felt, the look in their eyes spoke a thousand words. 

\----

The two have drifted off to sleep for a few hours, waking up when the sun was setting over the lake, tinting their bedroom beautiful shades or orange and pink. Javier rolled on his back, Yuzuru automatically following him and resting his head on his chest; he smiled and ran his fingers through his hair. Slowly the younger stirred and blinked his eyes open, coming to his senses. Javier waited and watched until Yuzuru moved his head, resting his chin on his chest to look up at him. A lazy smile appeared on his face and scooted up to press a kiss to his lips, meaning it to be a peck at first but turned into a more lingering one; gentle and still a bit hazy due to sleep. Javier wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him closer and the younger nuzzled against his neck.

“How are you feeling?” Javier couldn’t help but ask, feeling a huff of air against his neck, making it difficult not to chuckle or wiggle as it did tickle. 

“Good, though I am not sure what I will say once I stand up.” Javier couldn’t hold back his laughter at that comment, earning a light slap to his chest. “Hey, stop laughing.”

“I can’t help it nor am I going to say sorry. I hope you are not sorry...” There was a hint of worry in his voice and he mentally slapped himself for it. Yuzuru must have heard it because the next moment he pulled away, propped himself up on an elbow so he could look him in the eyes.

“I have no regrets. Not with you, not now nor ever.” The soldier smiled softly relaxing and nodded, pulling the younger in for another kiss. They settled back down, tangled in each others arms and legs, watching the sunset from the bed. Once the warm rays of the sun were gone they decided to get up and actually enjoy the hot tub they ended up ignoring, though this time around they didn’t bother with the swim shorts. Yuzuru literally melted in the hot water, curled up against Javiers chest. They planned to relax and do nothing for three days and it already felt good. Watching the starts appearing on the clear night sky, exchanging soft kisses and touches they left the hot tub once they were soaked to the bone. Yuzuru decided to take a quick shower after, Javier prepared a late night snack for them, setting it up on the small table on the balcony. The weather was nice enough to still stay outside. He took a quick shower after they ate and the younger curled up in the bed, searching for some kind of movie they could watch on the TV. Neither of them were extremely tired due to their afternoon nap so decided to stay up a bit longer. Yuzuru fell asleep in the middle of the movie though and Javier turned the TV off, not wanting to wake him up with what was going on the screen. He closed his eyes hoping that sleep would come to him soon too.

\----

There is something people tend to forget about those suffering from PTSD, they have good days and bad ones too. Just because they appear to be happy on the outside or that you do not see them struggling with a situation it does not mean they are battling internally. That was the case with Javier, some nights be slept good, more so since he had Yuzuru by his side but others he woke up screaming until his throat was sore and tears ran down his face. Tonight turned out to be such night.

At first he started to twist slightly in his sleep, trying to shake off the images of the battles and losing his friends, fighting for survival. It was a useless fight as his mind always got the best of him. Javier doesn't know how bad it must have been until he finally realised soft hands shaking his shoulders to get him awake, the sound of someone's voice calling his name repeatedly. The soldier sat up in the bed, panting as if he ran a full marathon, skin covered in sweat, tears running down his face. His eyes started to focus and he felt a pair of hands cupping his cheeks, forehead pressed against his own and recognised the soft voice of Yuzuru, whispering 'It's okay's and It was just a nightmare's'. Javier swallowed, closed his eyes and concentrated on the slow breathing of his lover, using it as his anchor to calm his racing heart and harsh breathing.

Once calmer he placed his right hand on the one holding his cheeks and Yuzuru took it as a cue to pull away. His eyes looked moist and the worry mixed with pain were heartbreaking to see on his face.

"I am sorry..." Javier said but got silenced by Yuzuru. The younger never wanted to hear his apologies as there was nothing to apologise for. Everyone had a bad night and they both knew from experience how those were. Understood each other on levels nobody else could and Javier couldn't help but wrap his arms around his boyfriend. He pulled him close to his chest, nuzzling his face against his shoulder and let the remaining tears of sorrow and loss fall. Yuzuru rubbed soothing circles along his back, running his fingers through his hair in comfort and spoke in the softest voice ever. Javier doesn't remember how long they have stayed like that but when he pulled back he felt calm again, so did Yuzuru. The soldier pressed a kiss to the others lips as a thank you and the younger returned it. They laid back down on the bed but neither went back to sleep, just stayed wrapped in each others arms. Yuzuru ran gentle fingertips along his face and Javier managed to smile at that lightly.

He realised how he can't imagine his life without the younger anymore. Javier looked into the others eyes and spoke, even if his throat hurt from the previous screams making him struggle a little bit to get the words out.

"I love you." He confessed watching as Yuzuru widened his eyes and visibly swallowed. They have not yet told each other these words, they did say they liked eat other and moved in together but never spoke those three simple but oh so meaningful words. Javier could see how the other struggled with keeping new found tears from escaping, worried for a second that he was stepping over but Yuzuru leaned in and kissed him, then said those words back to him with such conviction his heart skipped a beat.

That one kiss turned into a second and a third, and soon into much more. The sun was rising in the horizon as the two made sweet love to each other, whispering words of affection against heated skin. Forgetting the nightmares and the reason why they woke up in the middle of the night, replacing bad memories with loving and happy ones.

Javier made a promise to himself as he locked eyes with Yuzuru during the most heated moment. He would do anything to make this person happy and love him for whatever time he was allowed to. 


	11. 24/7=Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Their trip ended way too soon but both of them had to return to reality, to their now life together, working and for Javier to get better. Each passing week he showed good improvements, Brian was happy and Yuzuru even more so as his physical therapy was helping. Luckily the fact they were lovers at the end of the day did not interfere with their professional work, even if Brian raised his personal concerns once they informed him about how they moved in together._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am starting to feel like a normal human being, last weekend and ACI destroyed me in so many ways. I somewhat feel like I am getting down with a cold, I don't know. My updates will be slow or very irregular. PS: Please don't hate me.

Their trip ended way too soon but both of them had to return to reality, to their now life together, working and for Javier to get better. Each passing week he showed good improvements, Brian was happy and Yuzuru even more so as his physical therapy was helping. Luckily the fact they were lovers at the end of the day did not interfere with their professional work, even if Brian raised his personal concerns once they informed him about how they moved in together.

The apartment was taking shape as well, they decided to paint a few walls and actually managed to do a decent work without destroying the wooden floor. Javier certainly appreciated that. Around June they also bought a car, a used one big enough in case they do more trips but also fitting for the city life. Effie has become their baby not like she wasn’t pampered since she got taken home by Javier. Their evenings usually consisted of lazying on the couch, Yuzurus head on Javiers lap, while he plays with his hair and Effie curled up on he small space by the youngers stomach, purring like a motorboat each time he brushed her fur. Javier couldn’t feel happier than he had been in probably years.

Yuzuru made his life complete, gave him a purpose and guidance how to become a better person, get out of the slump he was in, actually take care of himself. Since the younger stepped into his life Javier had only been doing better, willingly or not the Japanese pushed him towards full recovery.

Neither of them were on the other hand prepared for this information and the clearance from Brian a few months later, after the summer heat in Canada left and the leafs on he trees turned more golden. To Javier it was a regular day, go to the clinic, have his usual session with Brian, get some coffee before he had physio with Yuzuru, the younger maybe having time for a quick lunch as he had been working since the early hours. Javier did wake up each morning with his boyfriend, making breakfast together, seeing him off to meet him for lunch in the small common room, a sandwich he may have made or even done a small bento as obviously the other was more healthy and preferred a balanced meal over anything. Javier had a snack or just drank his coffee, the two catching up about their day. After the session he would go to the gym for a few more hours, waiting for the other to finish; going grocery shopping so they can cook dinner together at home. A routine they have established and both were happy about it. Unfortunately his doctor decided to tip this balance off with his announcement.

“So, Javier. I have seen great improvement from you for the past half year or longer actually. This year so far has been really good, your state both physically from what Yuzuru tells me and mentally from what I can see has improvement tremendously. I was wondering...what do you want to do from here on? Do you want to return to the military because I do see good chances. Actually your old Sergeant was asking about you, in hope you can return.”  


Javier choked on his coffee, regretting his decision to take anything to drink with himself to their sessions. Brian was about to stand up but Javier held up his hand to make him stop, not required and a few coughs later he calmed down.

“What?”  


“I said, you are clear from your therapy, at least I do not think we need to meet as often anymore. Maybe just once a month for check-in? Your nightmares are nearly gone, your sleep in general has improved, you are steady on your feet with a boyfriend as well. Yuzuru stated in his last report that you are physically on top again and would be clear to return or you know officially leave? It is your choice but overall we see no hindrance anymore. I won’t say you are fully healed as nobody truly is but you are back to your old self.” Javier stared at the cup on the coffee table, letting the words sink in.  


“Yuzuru said I could return to active duty?” It was the first time he heard that, the younger has not mentioned anything about that, they haven’t really spoken about such possibilities.  


“I wouldn’t say he used those words but according to his last evaluation you would be fit enough to handle at least some kind of active duty. Javier, we are not talking about throwing you back into the war-zone.”  


Javier swallowed, his hands forming fists. “Can I think about it? I haven’t---nor have I spoken with Yuzuru... active duty is...” Brian stopped him before he turned into a rambling mess.

“There is no hurry, we are writing our reports and until the end of month your schedule is set but afterwards our sessions will be less, just a monthly check-in. You can still use the facility but therapy and physio won’t be as regular as we do now.” Javier nodded at that, closing his eyes to collect himself a little bit, at least there was no immediate deployment in the horizon.  


“Get in touch with your old Sergeant maybe and ask him what he has in mind for you. Think it through, speak with Yuzuru and decide on what is best.” Brian stood up from his chair and Javier took it as a signal to do the same. He shook hands with his doctor, got a comforting pat on the shoulder and left his office.  


Javiers feet carried him to the common room, routine above anything else as his mind now was processing all the information or trying to. Lost in his thoughts he collided with someone, mumbling an apology until he heard the voice.

“Oh Javi.” Yuzuru. Javier raised his head to lock eyes with his boyfriend, freezing. The younger opened his mouth to say more but his expression changed, realizing something was off with the soldier. “Javi, what’s wrong?” He felt a gentle hand on his arm and it caused him a lot of effort not to flinch away. His expression must have shown something as Yuzuru took his hand away, as if the contact burned. “J--Javi?” His voice low with a hint of worry but something else too. Insecurity, he recognized.  


“You want me to return to active duty?” He blurted out, eyes on his boyfriends face, watching how countless of emotions danced in his eyes. Initial worry, confusion and insecurity turning into understand, hurt and fear.  


“I--- I didn’t say that. I did your usual evaluation which is great.” Javier frowned, fingers clenching at his side again.  


“Answer... do you want me to return to active duty?” He repeated, raising his voice and the few people in the room raised their heads to look at the reason for the slight commotion.   


“Javi, we shouldn’t talk here---people---” Javier didn’t wait and just turned around storming out of the room, ignoring the calls from his boyfriend, or the fact they were meant to have a physio session. He couldn’t do that now, he couldn’t look at Yuzuru without feeling betrayed.  



	12. Hesitation & Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope I could make some people happy? I will try to work on more chapters on the weekend. I have so far titles for 18 chapters, not sure if this will exceed 20. But still mapping it all out!

Javier needed to clear his mind, he couldn’t look at Yuzuru, his expression, the hesitation to answer his question felt like a stab in his heart. He knew deep down that the reason behind that was because he wanted Javier to do what he loved and while there were reasons not to return to active duty; Javier always would want to fight for this country. The soldier knew he also was being irresponsible for storming out, obviously skipping their training session together. Javier stopped a few blocks away from the center and let out a frustrated sound. A lady passing by gave him a weird look but otherwise nobody really bothered with his dilemma or how he behaved. Javier ended up in a small park sitting down on the bench and staring into space. He needed to think and currently his head felt like someone was playing bongo on it.

Today he woke up feeling good and now he felt like his world collapsed and he had no grasp on anything he knew before. He understood Brians decision and he felt he had improved by a lot but learning Yuzuru thought along the same lines, took him by surprise. He recalled any conversation they had about the future but couldn’t remember if they have ever mentioned active duty. Yes, at one point Javier has to make the choice but he didn’t think it would be this soon and that Yuzuru would put his stamp of approval on his file. Burying his face in his hands he groaned again, the hurt expression of the younger flashing in front of his eyes. Storming off and ignoring a discussion or just waiting for a reply from the younger was rude. He still couldn’t help the feeling of betrayal.

What was he supposed to do?

Javier felt his phone buzz in his pocket and fished it out, looking at the screen.

_[ I am sorry... please come home and let’s talk about this ]_

It was from Yuzuru, making him wince because he now saw the time as well. He had been sitting on this bench for hours, the sun long set, laps being lit on the streets. Yuzuru was back home from his shift, maybe hurried home directly in hope to find Javier there but he wasn’t. The apartment must have been empty, the only living being to answer his call, Effie.

Javier still felt confused, betrayed and hurt but he couldn’t hurt Yuzuru with not returning home, avoiding a conversation they obviously needed to have. Standing up from the bench he pocketed his phone and walked back home.

\----

Unlocking the door, he pulled it open, letting it gently close behind him but the noise must have been loud enough because the moment he wanted to pull off his shoes, he heard hurried footsteps and Yuzuru appeared in the corridor. The younger stopped, his expression a mix of so many emotions, mostly relief. Javier swallowed. “Hi...” Yuzurus eyes filled with tears and he ran up to him, throwing his arms around his neck. Javier instinctively wrapped his own around his waist. The two stayed there, embracing for a few minutes, until the small shaking of the youngers body stopped. Pulling back he wiped at his face.

“I thought you wouldn’t come home...” Javier felt like a jerk for scaring his boyfriend like that.  


“I’m sorry...” He whispered, thumb brushing the remaining tears away. Yuzuru nodded lightly, stepping away so Javier could take off his jacket and shoes. The two walked to the couch in silence and sat down. Silenced enveloped them for a few minutes, both taking time to gather their thoughts. Javier spoke first.  


“I am sorry I left like that, I shouldn’t have made a scene... I felt.. overwhelmed. Brian broke the news of his diagnosis and than spoke of you having a similar opinion and I just...” Javier sighed trying to find the right words. “We never really spoke of how we handle the professional and private as there was no need for it before, or was it? We probably should have... We just worked our way around it but hearing from him that you think I am ready for active duty made me feel a bit betrayed.” Yuzuru stilled next to him and was about to say something but Javier raised his hand to stop him. Yuzuru nodded and didn’t speak up.  


“I know I have been improving and I also knew I won’t be in therapy forever, or I guess that was the aim from the beginning but I didn’t expect it? Brian didn’t say anything, things were just going normally and I guess I was taken aback by it all? I haven’t even thought about active duty in general, I know the choice of my career has to be made at one point but we haven’t spoken of the future like that. I fear if I go back... Do I go back? My deployments always end up long. On average they are about eight to twelve months. Do you want a long distance relationship? What will happen once I return? Do I re---” Javier couldn’t say those words out loud but he felt how Yuzuru reached for his hand. When he raised his head to look at his boyfriend he was fighting tears. The soldier pulled the younger against his chest without hesitation. They stayed like that holding each other, Javier fighting his own emotions. Yuzuru visibly tried to compose himself, head tilting to the side to ask if he can speak and Javier nodded lightly.  


“I am sorry too for not having said anything but I guess I didn’t feel the need to do so. Brian asked for a professional opinion and I gave him that last week. We haven’t discussed that far in the future, it’s true and I didn’t know how to bring it up because I didn’t want us to fight but in the end I guess we did? If I strictly stay professional than you are ready for active duty, your physical is probably the best I have ever seen from someone who suffered injuries like you did. I could even say it is better than it was before. I tried to leave the emotional out of it...because I don’t know if I want you to return and leave for a year or longer for deployment. You have been through a lot and we...this is still new? Maybe you don’t want to stay with me? I never had a relationship like this before, taking the long distance out of the equalization.” Javier tried to reassure Yuzuru that he would never want to leave him, breaking up was not something he was thinking about, or would want to happen. “I felt insecure and today you just stormed off and I knew I messed up. I refused to address this, confront myself with the reality, possibility of you going back. As your physiotherapist I would love to see you go back but as your boyfriend...I-I don’t....” Tears started to form in his eyes again, Javiers vision starting to blur as well. “I will support whatever you decide on but can I say something selfish?” Javier nodded. “I wish you wouldn’t...”  


Javier didn’t know what to say to that. Yuzuru was just as conflicted as he was and it was not something to decide on. Javier had no answer to give to himself, his boyfriend let alone Brian about it.

“Brian said my Sergeant was asking about me. I could call him and see what he is planning and we go from there? I honestly don’t know what to do aside from not wanting to hurt you or leave you.” Yuzuru sniffed and brushed some of the tears from his eyes, mumbling about how ridiculous he was being with this kind of emotional reaction. Javier only smiled and pressed a kiss to his lips.  


“I love it when you are ridiculous. I love you.” Yuzuru managed a honest smile in between his tears, wrapping his arms tightly around Javier. They would somehow figure this out together.  


“I love you too.” Yuzuru whispered the words against his shoulder. “We will figure this out together.”  



	13. Just one day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _A few days later once the emotions have settled and they have found a new balance in their schedule, Javier called his old superior. His Sergeant informed him that he would be coming by and they should get lunch together, the conversation he wants to have better to be done in person. He never really was the kind of guy who enjoyed phone conversations._

A few days later once the emotions have settled and they have found a new balance in their schedule, Javier called his old superior. His Sergeant informed him that he would be coming by and they should get lunch together, the conversation he wants to have better to be done in person. He never really was the kind of guy who enjoyed phone conversations. Javier would be lying if he didn’t feel a bit nervous the moment he woke up that morning. Yuzuru had to work but made sure to try and encourage his boyfriend before he left. The offered distraction may have helped greatly to calm his nerves, his boyfriend also may have had a very smug smirk on his face as he left.

Javier agreed to meet at the restaurant he was familiar with, close to the clinic as possibly after the talk he would want to relay the news to Yuzuru right away. Stepping inside the restaurant, he got greeted warmly by the waitress and even the guy from the kitchen stuck his head out and nodded in his direction. He took a seat in one of the boots in the back, ordered a coffee and waited. His Sergeant walked in luckily wearing casual clothes and not his uniform, so people did not give them odd looks as he was expecting. The last he needed were curious people trying to see why he spoke with someone in the uniform. Pleasantries were concluded rather quickly and once Ghislain has his own coffee he got right to the topic.

“As you know I am not exactly here to exchange small talk. I would rather get to the topic right away, if you don’t mind.” There was a short pause as if he was asking for permission to continue but Javier new this man for years now, he never offered this up for debate, he would continue anyway. “So, I heard from your doctors that you are cleared for duty and if I am honest I would love to have you back on the force. Of course there would be a small training to be completed to make our own evaluation but I am sure you can clear that with ease. The question I want to ask is about what comes after. There are two options I have for offer at the moment. One would be as Instructor at the base here locally and the other would involve a more extended contract with you going on tours. Now the decision is on you, the Instructor topic is a given, especially with your history in the field but the extended part with the active duty and being deployed is up to you. I know the last tour was probably the worst, for all of us, in a very long time and there is no promise it won’t happen again....” Ghislain paused again and Javier pursed his lips. “We could need a good soldier like you out there again. You were one of the best guys I ever had to pleasure to be out there and unfortunately the situation has not changed, we need a military presence in those parts. I would feel much calmer if you were part of my group again.” Javier saw the gentle smile that appeared on the others face, them always having one of the father and son relationship but this was something he had to consider and speak with Yuzuru about.  


“I understand and I thank you for the offer. I have to think about this, things have changed in my private life...” He paused for a moment. “I have someone I have to consider. We moved together a while ago and things are going well, really well. Until when do you need my answer?” Ghislain eyed him for a moment, his smile brightening.  


“I am happy to hear you have found someone and we would need the feedback by next Monday. It is short notice but I have been holding out for a few months now hoping your discharge would happen.” Javier appreciated and he said he would think about it and get back to him as soon as he can, they bid their goodbyes shortly after as Ghislain had other matters to deal with. Javier stayed in his seat for a little while longer, letting his thoughts wonder for a while but he knew there was one person who he really needed to speak to right now. He can’t make a choice on his own.  


\----

Javier walked into the clinic, greeted by Gabby and the stayed at the reception desk for a few minutes, chatting with her. Everyone knew at this point that he would not be visiting regularly anymore and they took every chance they got to talk with him. He made a quick visit to Tracy lingering in her office for a while to chat, followed by Brian as well. All of them were happy to see him even if it was barely a week the news about his part departure broke. Everyone knew things may change, him going to find a job or actually returning to the military. Javier did not share with anyone the offer he got, that information was for Yuzuru and him only, though Brian already got a hint about it, keeping it quiet as a good therapist would do. 

The soldier settled on the common room, glancing at the clock and remembering how Yuzuru was in session for another half an hour. He got himself a coffee and played a random game on his phone while waiting.

He heard the familiar footsteps and glanced up from his phone, greeted by the bright smile of his boyfriend. Yuzuru approached him and leaned down to press a kiss to his lips. At this point they didn’t hide their relationship but it did help to be more open as the room was empty aside from them.

“Hey.” Javier breathed out once they broke apart, Yuzuru taking the seat next to him. The question regarding his previous conversation already danced in his eyes and Javier didn’t prolong it for too long. They were alone so he made good use of the few minutes they had. “As expected I got a job offer but there are two options I can choose from.” He paused and Yuzuru visibly swallowed, reaching for his hand to squeeze it. Javier took it between his own in aim for comfort. “They are searching for an Instructor at the base here, which is good. I would stay here but they also offered for me to return to the field. It would mean that if required they could deploy me. It would be an extended contract for the Instructor one. I have until Monday to give feedback. I wanted us to talk about this before I gave any answer.” Javier watched as Yuzuru processed the influx of information, nodding here and there.  


“What do you want to do?”  


“I would like to at least sleep over it. Right now I do not know what I want. What do you want?” He added, gaze not breaking away from his boyfriends. Yuzuru stayed silent for a few minutes but with a sigh he looked at Javier.  


“I want you to do what you think is right but I also want you to stay safe and not get hurt again. I don’t think I could handle seeing you hurt or wor--” He chocked on the last word, unable to say it out loud. He shook his head to get those thoughts away. “We have a few days right? Maybe we can talk a bit more over dinner. I am not working this weekend either.” Javier leaned forward and pressed a lingering kiss to his boyfriends forehead.  


“Okay. We will do that. Do you want me to wait for you? You have one more session today, right?” Yuzuru nodded at that.  


“If you want, we could go shopping afterwards. We should celebrate a bit for you getting a job offer. Or do we get take-out?” Javier watched as Yuzuru tapped his chin with his finger, thinking hard. He always found that adorable.  


“I have been craving some Japanese, our favourite place for take-out?” Yuzuru perked up and nodded rather quickly at the idea, causing Javier to laugh at how cute he was. “The usual? I can call them up and order for time, we pick it up on our way home?” The eager nodding of Yuzuru only intensified and Javier chuckled, hand cupping his cheeks to keep his head on his neck.  


“I love you.” Leaning in he stole a short kiss, feeling the smile on the others lips more than seeing it. Yuzuru brushed his fingers through his hair, kissing him back, gasping a bit for air when they finally pulled away. “I love you too.” Came the answer in that lovely breathless voice, which always sent a shiver down his spine.  


\----

The two got distracted so much that Brian had to clear his throat at one point, to make them break apart from each other and inform Yuzuru that if he doesn’t go now, he will be late for his session. Javier would be lying if he didn’t enjoy the bright red cheeks of his boyfriend as he ducked out of the common room, embarrassed for having been caught by his superior as he nearly made out with his boyfriend and ex-patient. Brian shook his head with a hint of a smile on his face, joining Javier to have a cup of coffee. Javier called the Japanese restaurant an hour before, giving their order and informing them that they would pick it up. Once Yuzuru finished up they left together, walking close to each other occasionally bumping shoulders, making each other smile.

The day went on nearly as any other, the two of them enjoying a nice evening with their favourite food on the couch and watching some nature documentary Yuzuru loved so much. Afterwards they cuddled up, Effie joining them too and demanding her daily cuddles mostly from the younger, at which Javier only rolled his eyes.

It felt like any other day but also Javier felt this won’t be the case in the future, not so much. He knew he would take the job at the base and that will throw off their schedule but he didn’t know yet what to do about the second portion of the offer. Javier found the idea hard to leave Yuzuru behind with Effie for months and the risk was so much higher. The soldier nuzzled his face against the back of his boyfriends neck, tightening his hold around his waist, feeling how the younger placed his own on top of his. Even if they didn’t speak of the topic tonight anymore, they both felt how it hung over their heads all the same.


	14. Wishing on a star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys, I am alive, sorry for the non-update but life has been kicking me again, work and than holiday, got sick and before I leave for GP Helsinki, I thought I would finish this chapter I started on the weekend. I apologize in advance! It will be painful... Enjoy it regardless and well I will let myself be killed by Yuzus skating this weekend! HAHA. Wish me luck to survive that one!

Javier would be lying if their weekend went on smoothly like nothing important had to be decided in a few days. Both deliberately ignored the elephant in the room until come Sunday evening. While cleaning up after their dinner Yuzuru silently took Javier hand and made them sit on the couch. He did not let go of his hand as he spoke.

"I think you should take the second option." He simply stated and Javier grabbed his hand, squeezing it. "I know you. You won't be happy if you don't have the chance to help. Yes, I am worried about your safety and the long distance but I fell in love with a soldier who was ready to give his life for his country." Javier reached up with his free hand to touch Yuzurus cheek, feeling how the younger leaned into the touch, eyes welled up with tears. "I won't leave. I will be here for you. Forever."

Javier didn't say anything at first but leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss to his lips, resting their foreheads together. "I love you." He said in the end wiping the single tear that dared to escape from Yuzurus eyes. "Thank you."

That very night after they settled for bed they made love, slow but passionate letting their touches and kisses speak the thousands of emotions they both felt on the inside. 

\----

It took them a few weeks to find a good rhythm between their job and relationship. Javier had to spend most of his days at the base and returned home on some evenings whenever there was no training scheduled for ungodly hours and every other weekend he was able to be with Yuzuru. It wasn’t easy, the right balance had to be found but both of them tried their best to. Javier loved his job as an instructor and it felt good to do something else other than therapy or just being at the center all day to get back in shape. With him working, it showed the months work he put in to get back on track.

Autumn went quick in Canada and soon winter came, enveloping the whole city in snow. Javier on the other hand was more excited about Yuzurus upcoming birthday, he had learned about it just a few months prior from Brian in a loose chat they had when he went to pick his boyfriend up from work. Since than he had been secretly planning a nice evening for the two of them, took a day off from his work as well as it fell on a weekday where he would usually stay at the base. He had everything planned out. Brian would keep Yuzuru at the center until 2 p.m when he would come and kidnap him for a nice afternoon out. One of the lakes was completely frozen over and since he learned how his boyfriend used to skate before, he planned to take him there for a few hours. In one of the boxes Yuzuru hadn’t unpacked yet only showed into the back of the closet he found his skates, good state, size (according to his excessive google research) he packed it with a rental one for himself in the trunk of their car. After skating they would go to their favourite restaurant where he made a table reservation and already picked Yuzurus dishes.

Everything was going according to his plan. Javier picked Yuzuru up, surprising him with some flowers, which caused his boyfriend to turn bright red matching the colors of the roses and tried to hide his face behind them. He drove to the lake and took out their skates, having a hard time not to drop them as Yuzuru literally flew himself at him, hugging him so tight as the result. Javier sucked at skating but Yuzuru patiently showed him the basics so after an hour he spent less time on his ass and more standing and skating on the ice. When his boyfriend saw he could stand on his own, he skated off a bit, showing off just as much surprising Javier with his skills. Somehow the Japanese even whipped out a jump making him and everyone around them gasp and clap their hands. Yuzuru bowed his head a few times, rubbing at his nape, feeling embarrassed but Javier quickly kissed him to distract him. With the sun setting a bit sooner during winter time, they had to leave the lake but Javier happily drove them to the Japanese restaurant and Yuzuru was rendered speechless again.

“You planned all this for me?” He asked once his brain and mouth cooperated to form a proper sentence. Javier nodded wrapping his arm around his waist.

“Of course, it’s your Birthday. I had to plan a special day for the most important person in my life.” Yuzuru bit down on his lower lip, obviously fighting some tears, taking a few deep breaths to stop himself from crying. 

The dinner progressed perfectly, Yuzuru was glowing, smiling brightly and laughing happily, not ashamed to show his affection towards Javier with feeding him or stealing a few quick kisses over the table, holding his hand when he could. Javier himself felt incredibly happy for his surprise to have worked so well. After their dinner the two returned to their shared home and before Javier could even take off his shoes he felt his back colliding with the front door and insistent lips pressing against his. When their passionate kiss broke he wanted to pull Yuzuru back but suddenly the younger dropped to his knees and Javier felt his breath caught in his throat. If he pulled on dark strands a bit stronger than usual due to the intensity, Yuzuru did not mention in, only licked his lips with a pleased smile before he pulled Javier towards the bedroom.

“We are not done yet.” A shiver ran down the soldiers spine, trying not to trip over his own pants or any other discarded clothing items as he followed.  


\----

Javier woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of his phone ringing and he reached for it blindly, answering without looking at the screen. Instantly he sat up after hearing the voice of his Sergeant, dislodging himself from Yuzuru so quick the other stirred awake with a groan of protest.

“Yes, Sir.... What?... Is this confirmed? When?... No, Sir.... Yes, Sir.... Good night, Sir.” Javier stared at his phone, placing it in his lap and let out a long drawn sigh. His perfect mood shifted completely and from the way Yuzuru slowly sat up as well and turned on the lamp on his side of the bed, he probably could feel it too.  


“What is it...” He asked softly, placing a hand on Javiers shoulder when he didn’t react to him.  


“I... In two days I am going on Tour for six to nine months.” He whispered, closing his eyes to control his emotions, feeling how Yuzuru stilled next to him, fingers tightening their hold. At the sound a small sob he apruptly raised his head looking at Yuzuru, he was fighting his tears but obviously failing at it. He threw the phone aside and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, unsure what else to say or what as this was not something he wanted to wake up to.

The two of them held each other what felt like hours, Yuzuru crying and Javier ending up doing the same because it hurt him more to know his boyfriend was in pain. They knew it was going to happen one day but it was sooner than expected.

Two days, they had two more days to make the best of their time together. Javier promised himself that no matter what happens, he is going to come back home to Yuzuru. His Yuzuru. His everything.


	15. For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Two days were a really short time Javier came to know. He did everything in his power to make those the best two days they could possibly spend together. Since he had to prepare for the tour, his regular schedule was changed accordingly, leaving him more time at home. Yuzuru took those days off as well to be able to be with Javier._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, some fluff happening here. Enjoy!

Two days were a really short time Javier came to know. He did everything in his power to make those the best two days they could possibly spend together. Since he had to prepare for the tour, his regular schedule was changed accordingly, leaving him more time at home. Yuzuru took those days off as well to be able to be with Javier.

Laying on the couch together, spending time in bed, cooking and eating together, they have done everything as long as it meant to be together. Yuzuru tried hard to keep himself together since his breakdown but Javier could see the clouds lingering over his head. On their last night together, Javier cupped his boyfriends cheeks and smiled at him sweetly.

“You know... you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Knowing you I have learned to accept all the bad things that happened in the past to me because they all lead to me be by your side. Meeting you was the best annoyance ever. We definitely didn’t get on from the right foot but here we are now and I couldn’t be happier. I am sorry I am making you go along with my selfish wish to help people but I am thankful you are taking this ride with me. It won’t be easy but I believe in us managing, to come back stronger than before. You are still with me on this, right?” His voice came out a bit more vulnerable than he intended it to but he still couldn’t forget the fear of Yuzuru turning his back on all this. Six to nine months away from your partner is already difficult but add a dangerous war-zone to it and it will be so much worse.  


Yuzuru smiled lightly, leaning into his palm, his eyes shining with love, affection with a hint of fear in them. “I would never leave you behind. Never.”

Javier couldn’t help but smile at that leaning in to kiss Yuzuru softly. That night when they made love with each other it was slow, treasured and so full of emotion, Javier felt his heart being filled and broken at the same time.

\----

Upon agreement Javier grabbed his bags and they said their goodbyes by the door. Yuzuru didn’t want to come with him to the base and say his goodbyes there. Javier understood, finding it a much better solution as well. One last time he leaned in to kiss his boyfriend, followed up by a small peck to his forehead.

“I love you. Please remember that. I will be back soon.” Yuzuru nodded.  


“I love you too, more than anything.” Javier smiled, fingers brushing along the soft cheeks of his lover than turned and closed the door behind him. The further he walked away the more painful it felt but he pushed his chest out, held his head high, he made a promise and come hell or not he will come back here.  


\----

Javier arrived in their first base camp approximately two days later, settling in the tent he was assigned to. Due to his rank he didn’t have to stay in one of the bigger ones but still had to share with about three others. None of them were in there and his first meeting wouldn’t happen until an hour later. He took the time to settle in on the empty space, unpacking whatever he needs the most, pushing his bag under his camping bed. He didn’t miss sleeping on those that is for sure but he came here with a purpose. Afterwards he made his way to the communication center they had in the base in hope to snatch a computer to at least inform Yuzuru he had arrived. It would be middle of the night back home, no desire to wake his lover but he got to send him a quick e-mail.

_“Hey babe. I have arrived. Camping beds are still as bad as I remember and it’s extremely hot here. I am good, I hope you are too. I miss you and love you - Javier.”_   


Video calls were allowed once a week, otherwise they would need to communicate via e-mails. Which wasn’t as bad as some may believe but sometimes he wouldn’t have the time to check daily. Javier released a sigh logging out of his account to let the next soldier in his place to contact his family.

“We can do this...” He mumbled to himself, deciding to have a look around the base, since he still had some time.  


\----

The first two months went by quite quickly Javier had to admit and in fair peace as well. He had spent most of his days at their base aside from a few occasions where they went to the nearby city. Yuzuru and him found their rhythm again too, keeping in touch with each other as much as possible. Yuzuru sent a daily report about the things that happened, making Javier laugh each time he could read them, catching up. On a few instances pictures were attached or a short video showing Yuzuru and Effie curled up on the couch or the bed. Apparently Effie now slept on Javiers side of the bed, as both of them missed him too much to sleep alone at night in their respective places. It warmed his heart to know there was someone there for Yuzuru since he couldn’t be.

Javier hummed happily as he made his way towards his possibly favorite tent in the whole base, his weekly assigned 15 minute video chat would be soon and he couldn’t wait to talk to Yuzuru. Sitting down by the computer once it was free he logged into his account and called his boyfriend via Skype. It didn’t take two rings before the screen flickered alive and a bundle of fur appeared on screen.

“Oh... Effie... get out of the way... I know you miss Javi too but he can’t see us if you put your chubby booty in front of the camera.” Yuzuru whined and the pictures wobbled causing Javier to laugh for a good minute. The younger managed to get Effie off the laptop and into his lap, flashing a bright smile to the camera. “Javi...” His tone turned much more softer and Javier bit his lip. Since he couldn’t see Yuzuru that often he made sure to appreciate these short minutes they get to spend together even if at least ten people were around him in the tent.  


“Hey you two... Effie is causing trouble again?” Yuzuru rolled his eyes, glaring down at the cat for a second but also patted her head.   


“Just the usual. When I said we will be talking to you she jumped on the laptop and blocked the screen...” Effie let out a displeased meow at the accusation but otherwise her eyes were on the screen. She turned her head to rub it against Yuzurus knee. Javier watched them feeling happy.  


“I miss her too and you... Two months are over and today I learned it is a six months tour only, so it is not much longer until I am back home.” Yuzurus eyes brightened and he clapped his hands in that adorable way of his.  


“That is great...everything is okay right?” His tone changed, laced with worry but Javier nodded.  


“Yes, all is good. I am spending most of my time at the base. Only annoyance is that Sergei snores really badly if he is tired and he is tired all the time.” Yuzuru snorted at that.   


“Oh poor you... you can’t sleep well because of him?” Javier pursed his lips.  


“He is not you after all. I prefer your little adorable snores.”  


“Hey! I do not snore!” Yuzuru whined and Javier burst out laughing.  


“You do on some nights. But it’s cute.” Silence fell over them, both lost in their memories of nights spend together. Javier broke it in the end.  


“I love you and I can’t wait to go back home to cuddle with you.” Effie let out a loud complain again. “Fine, with you two.” Yuzuru chuckled, rubbing her belly the conversation turning to less emotional things, quickly catching up about the center and what Yuzuru has been up to. When their time was up, Javier blew them a kiss receiving one in return with the cutest ‘bye-bye’ he ever heard from his boyfriend. With a much better mood he returned to the tent, ready for the day.  


It was then when he heard the first bomb hit the base.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please don't kill me... I am sorry.


	16. You never walk alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Shit goes down, read with caution. Not kidding people! Be warned. I didn't beta read, so whatever error is in there it stays there.

Javier heard the distinctive sound first, followed by the ground shaking so hard under him he fell down on his knees. Instinct kicked in, adrenaline heightening all his senses and with a quick glance he sprinted towards his tent to grab his gear. He met Sergei on the way, nodding towards each other him going out with purpose written all over his face. The second bomb hot the ground as he grabbed his gun and stormed out. The camp was a chaos, smoke rising from the two locations the bomb have hit, tents burning, people shouting both in aim to get orders out or to call for others. Javier ran towards those he could pull away from immediate danger such as the fire, saving people from further damage than cuts from shards.

People searched for cover but there was no place to go in the middle of a desert only having frail tents to cover them from wind and weather. None of those could really hold bombs. The sound of people shouting and crying in pain mixed with the detonation left and right was deafening. Javier felt lust but the adrenaline was making his heart drum in his own ear much louder blocking out the wailing. Everything happened in slow motion, Javier locking eyes with Sergei, opening his mouth to speak but then he saw a bomb dropping from the sky, hitting ground way too close to his friend. The explosion made him fly backwards knocking the air out of his lungs, the smell of burnt flesh hitting his nose, the noise turning into a high pitched sound. Javier groaned rolling on his side, feeling disoriented for a few minutes. As he looked over at where Sergei should have been he only saw his helmet and a crater. He felt his stomach turn and he tasted acid in his mouth, turning away. Collecting himself before the panic took over Javier pushed himself up from the ground. Somehow in the middle of the chaos which felt like it intensified with each bomb, he found himself near the communication tent. He pulled someone out from under a broken shelf, making sure they were alive and able to walk. He didn't get to straighten up from the crouching position, getting knocked down again, a familiar but at the same time foreign sting to his temple and side. Javier hit the ground soundlessly and everything turned black. 

\---- 

Yuzuru spent his days with a happy mood the last talk with Javier definitely listed his otherwise solemn mood. It wasn't easy to lead a long distance relationship with someone in a warzone. Each day he wondered if bad news would come but he quickly learned to block those out. It's been about two weeks he heard from his boyfriend but it wasn't unusual he put the eerie feeling he had in his stomach to the usual nervosity. There were instances when Javier was in such a remote location not even an e-mail was possible. Yuzuru made sure Effie got her breakfast and grabbed his bag ready to make his way to the center, only to get interrupted by a knock on the front door. Confused he looked at the clock on the wall reading - 6:30am.

“That's weird…” He mumbled under his breath, making his way towards the front door with a frown on his face. Opening the door he froze instantly, his heart dropping into his stomach. In front of his door stood two soldiers dressed in formal attire looking solemn.

“Mr. Hanyu?” Yuzuru managed to nod, his voice not coming our or he did not trust it. He knew what was coming, for that he has seen too many movies in his life, he had seen other people receiving news this way. “We are very regretful to inform you that the base where Javier Fernández was stationed got attacked about two weeks ago. He was lost in action.” Yuzuru felt the world tilt in its axis and he collapsed hand releasing the doorknob he had been clinging onto. The soldiers glanced at each other, one of them crunching down. He could tell they hated to do this, it was hurting them too but everything felt numb. “He put you as his emergency contact on his papers before leaving and as there are no other living family… “ Yuzuru nodded, understanding. “We are very sorry, he was a great soldier and a great person. I had the pleasure to be thought by him at the base.” He felt a soft squeeze to his shoulder and he managed a pained smile. The soldier pulled out a small box and handed it over to him. Yuzuru opened it and saw the tags Javier put on before leaving their shared apartment. The tears started to flow and the most desperate cry he ever let out escaped his lips. 

Yuzuru doesn't remember what happened the next hours but he somehow must have managed to let the soldiers go, call Brian to inform him he wasn't going to work for a while; drag himself back to bed and lay there. Effie joined him sensing his distress, trying to comfort and Yuzuru cried harder than ever. His mind kept replaying their moments together, the last conversation they had how happy they were since Javier would return in a while but he wasn't going to. There was no more returning home. He would never feel those strong arms wrapping around him, his beautiful smile, doe eyes and soft kisses. Yuzuru won't be waking up to Javier secretly watching him, admiring even if on some nights he slept with one creepy eye open. Javier found it adorable and always kissed the pout of his lips. 

The days went by in similar fashion, friends from the center came by and tried to help Yuzuru through it but nothing worked. It was as if he was submerged in water, the world a haze. He was a mess and didn't know how he could continue on with his life like this. The whole apartment was filled with traces of Javier, it was his place after all. From the small stain on the wall in the kitchen when he made their spaghetti sauce explode to the chip on a tile in the bathroom after being a bit too reckless under the shower. Everything reminded him of Javier and he didn't know what to do. 

Yuzuru didn't sleep much, barely ate even if Jason definitely tried to get him to eat at least once a day. He pushed everyone away, asking to be left alone. His mind playing tricks on him once in a while, thinking he heard the front door opening and Javier returning. A ghost of a touch to his skin knocking the air out of his lungs. It felt surreal and painful. Yuzuru wanted it to stop. 

Laying on the bed one day he found himself drifting between sleep and being awake when he heard the sound of the door. He dismissed it as Jason coming by but then he heard a voice. 

“Yuzu?” He jumped up from the bed and stormed out of the bedroom staring into the surprised eyes of Javier. 

“Habi?” He asked in a broken voice sprinting towards his boyfriend hoping it wasn't some kind of trick of his sleep deprived mind but when his body collided with that of his boyfriend it felt so real. A solid body, strong arms keeping them upright and tightening around his fragile form. “Is this real? Are you here? Are you really alive? Please… I missed you, so much. Please… don't let this be a dream.” Tears started to stream down his face, ugly sobs bubbling up to the surface. The gentle hand on his cheek felt warm, the lips pressing against his forehead were soft and the strong body wrapping around him protectively felt so real. 

“I am here babe. I am here. It's me.” Yuzuru looked at the handsome face of his boyfriend and the world turned black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hate myself now just so you guys know.... I will just...


	17. Hold me tight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope now people won't hate me or cry so much...

Yuzuru blinked his eyes open a few minutes later, feeling himself being lifted by strong arms and carried to their shared bedroom. He blindly reached for the uniform, clenching it between his fist. It felt so incredibly real he wanted to cry all over again. He felt the soft mattress under his tired body, sinking into it with a soft sigh, his brain unable to progress if this is a dream or reality. Yuzuru felt a soft touch to his temple followed by a peck on his forehead. Words of 'Sleep my love' whispered in the air between them. The Japanese allowed himself to return to the darkness, after days of not sleeping probably finally resting without nightmares or images of happy times flashing behind his eyelids.

Yuzuru woke up feeling much more awake, rested and with a turn on his back he blinked his yes open to stare at the ceiling. For a moment he wondered what happened, than it came to mind and he sat up in bed, frantically looking around. The door to the bedroom was ajar the same way he left it before, Effie nowhere to be seen the apartment silent all around. Dread started to fill his heart again, tears forming in his eyes.

"It was all a dream...again." He mumbled covering his face and letting the tears roll down his cheeks. His breakdown was disturbed by the sound of the door creaking open the hinges not being all that good even before Javier left. Yuzuru raised his eyes to see Javier standing there with two cups of steaming drinks in his hand. "Habi?" The worry in panic in his boyfriends eyes was evident and he quickly put the mugs on the dresser next to the door, hurrying towards Yuzuru. In an instant Yuzuru felt himself being enveloped in those strong arms again. "It's real... it's real. You are here." He mumbled all over again, arms wrapping around his back and clinging to him. 

"Yes, I am back home." Yuzuru kept clinging to Javier until he could calm down again to ask the questions he had, so many to know what was truly happening.

\---- 

Javier kept his arms around Yuzuru until the younger was much more calm. 

After the bombs hit the base things were chaotic for a good while. Javier got injured and he was transported, operated on in a make-shift emergency center for a week, barely conscious with the amount of painkillers they pumped into him. He got a bad hit against his abdomen and his right arm got banged up too but they patched him up the best they could for the circumstances; others had it much worse than him. 

He knew he may have overdone it with movement having carried Yuzuru to the bedroom after he collapsed from the shock in his arms but he couldn't care less. Injures heal, Yuzuru on the other hand had suffered long enough wit the knowledge of him being gone forever. Yesterday before he landed back here, his Supervisor informed him that there was a mistake made and they have informed Yuzuru about his death. Javier never raised his voice against anyone but he lost his control. Someone had found his tag close to the place where Sergei got hit by the bomb and made bad assumptions. Since he was out for more than a week, barely awake to speak two words they couldn't identify him properly and check the database. Even now they were trying to find people to inform families. The moment the plane landed he took the first taxi home, ignoring any pain his injuries still caused. He was meant to be transferred to a hospital to check and maybe get another operation but Javier broke away from his group to see Yuzuru.

Arriving back home felt like a punch in the stomach, the way Yuzuru looked utterly broken and borderline delusional, clinging to him with tears running down his face. He could only imagine how much pain the younger went through since those soldiers appeared. It was understandable he couldn't quite grasp Javier was truly by his side. He looked exhausted and given how he fell asleep and didn't wake for half a day, told him how little rest his boyfriend had. Javier used that time to reach out to Brian, Jason, promise them to be visiting the center an explain everything in detail also getting a better picture of how heartbroken Yuzuru truly was.

Javier forced a small smile on his face. "Yes, babe. I am here. They made a huge mistake." He winced as he pulled back his position aggravating his injury further. The younger must have realized something was not okay because he instantly made them shift around, making Javier lay down. Finding a better position for them with laying side by side facing each other he continued to explain. Yuzuru had traced his face as Javier spoke, keeping the contact just to ensure his mind didn't play any more tricks.

"After our last talk... there was an ambush. It was bad. Sergei..." Javier paused taking a deep breath. "...he didn't make it and it must have been the impact which knocked me over to make me lose my tag. Soon after I was injured myself and for a good while I was out cold in some make-shift new base where they tried to tend to the injured. I should have stayed behind but I wanted to come home as soon as possible. They sold me the mistake they made and I ignored everything to come back home. Yuzuru, I am so sorry you had to go through this..." He watched Yuzuru bite down on his lower lip, fighting more tears, he didn't speak but silently moved closer to him.

"I don't care about the mistakes they made as long this is real and you are back." Javier tightened his hold around him.

"Yes, I am back and I am not leaving anywhere... not with how things turned out. I will be months in recovery again and I think... I think I am done." Yuzuru jerked away from him looking at Javier with surprise.

"What?" "I don't think I can do this... seeing all that all over again in such a short time, injured and knowing you had to...I can't. I can't do this knowing it is hurting you. I think it's time for me to truly hang up my helmet and find something else to do. The distance wasn't easy and it really hit me after we spoke, how we nagged at each other, the way you looked so beautiful with Effie on your lap. It made me wish I was back home and not somewhere in a desert thousands of miles away from you. Than I heard the sound and hell broke lose. I saw so many people... Yuzuru this world is not a good place. We can't really help those people there, not with weapons like that and... I came back home but so many others are not going to. What is the next time I am not this lucky? It was now the second time and I can't help but think I have played enough with fate. I can't imagine my life where you are not in it, nor do I want you to go through this pain just remotely again." Yuzuru visibly swallowed but nodded. "Yuzuru...do you think... will you... " Javier sighed, collecting himself and he cupped the youngers cheeks in his warm palm. Yuzuru closed his eyes, leaning into the touch. 

"Yuzuru will you marry me?" The eyes of the Japanese flew open and he stared at him, mouth opening and closing a few times. Javier knew the moment he hung up their last conversation, the mental image burned in his mind. He knew he would want to spend the rest of his life with Yuzuru.

"Yes... I do.. I want... " He couldn't reply even if he wanted to as he felt those soft lips on his own, the ones he had dreamed about for months and wished to feel them on his own. Javier pulled Yuzuru impossibly close, kissing him than covered his whole face in feather-light kisses, causing Yuzuru to giggle. The sound of his soft laughter filling the room. Things weren't completely alright, he knew they had a long way to get over this, he had recovery to go through again, paperwork to get discharged. Nothing was easy and done but he felt the happiest right in that moment having Yuzuru wrapped in his arm, sharing kisses and soft whispering confessions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Last chapter is an Epilogue. So this has been it... Thank you for your support and love, I am sorry for the tears I have caused.  
> I know the last chapters took ages but all in a good right? Now I am going back to my cave to decide what the Epilogue will actually be about LOL.


	18. Paradise ~ Epilogue ~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: prepare for some tooth-rotting fluff. I probably should put this as warning out there...

It was a process. The two of them were very much aware of how things won't go back to being normal. It took about six months for Javier to get his discharge, in the meanwhile he went through a set of operations and recovery. The injury on his abdomen turned out to be fairly more serious and not healing as fast as they wanted it to be, infection happened and it was one of the worst times. He returned to the center as a patient and spent way too much time in hospital beds as well. Yuzuru started regular visits to Brian to cope with the situation. Both about when the mistakenly news were presented to him and about how much more difficult this time Javiers recovery was. The two of them were going through a process both separately but at the same time together.

Javier felt so much lighter after his doctors said he won't need to come as often for check-ups, things were starting to look good, than his papers came and he was officially done with being a soldier. He felt as if a dozen of stones were taken off his shoulder. Yuzuru was working when Javier got the news but he couldn't wait until he got home so he made his way down to the center. He walked in making a beeline to the room Yuzuru still occupied for his sessions seeing the door was open so he didn't have a patient in yet. Halting by the door he knocked on the frame get attention from Yuzuru who appeared to be hunched over a pile of papers. Yuzuru raised his head, his eyes widening and a small smile spreading across his face at seeing Javier there. 

“Javi… What are you doing here? Didn't you go to the hospital today?” Javier nodded stepping closer and taking the others hand. 

“I was and I have good news. The doc says I only need to go back in about three months. Everything looks good and no more regular checkups. I also have even better news. I got my papers. It's official. I am out.” With word spoken he saw the elation spread on Yuzurus face and when he said those three words he found a very happy fiancé in his arms. 

“I am so happy. These are great news. Are you okay? I mean.. “ Javier pulled back to look at the younger and nodded with a bright smile. 

“I never felt better and happier in my entire life, than I feel right now.” Yuzuru grinned as well and sealed their lips in a sweet kiss. 

\---- 

With them concentrating on recovery both mentally and physically they have not started planning their wedding at all. Now it was a different story, they could finally sit down and think when or how to do it. Javier wanted a wedding as soon as possible, Yuzuru had nothing special in mind either, in that sense they really fit together. The moment they settled on the couch in the evening to discuss they both drew blank. Javier was the first to laugh at the situation. 

“Look at us. Now we don't know what to do or how to do it…Do you want a winter wedding maybe? I mean we are not going to be able to plan anything in a week no matter how optimistic we want to be.” Yuzuru moved closer until he could settle in Javier lap, something he liked to do a lot recently (and Javier would never complain about). 

“What if… “ He started a mischievous smile forming on his lips. “What if we kind of elope? Brian and maybe Jason as our witnesses and we just do it as soon as possible? We can have a dinner with friends later and do a party if it’s really necessary. I don't exactly want to go crazy on planning or spending money. If you are there I am more than happy.” 

Javier raised a brow surprised by the suggestion but he could only agree. “If you are sure. You know I would marry you now and in two years if the planning would take so long. It doesn't matter to me how we do it.” Yuzuru shook his head, pressing their foreheads together. 

“No. Let's do this. Tomorrow we call and see when they can gives us appointment, check with Brian and Jason. Probably a few people from the center would want to be there as soon as they learn about it but nothing crazy. Just us and our vows, getting married.” Javier hummed at that than pulled back. 

“Wait… I have to write some vows?” He obviously teased because he could vip out something in seconds that is how much in love he was with Yuzuru. The younger slapped his shoulder laughing out loud. 

“You are so bad. But does it sound like a plan?” Javier nodded sealing it with a kiss. He couldn’t wait to call Yuzuru his husband in the near future and forever.

\----- 

It took them a week to get an appointment at the registry office taking into account when their witnesses would be available. Their plans got widely spread at the center and about half of the staff decided to show up and cry all throughout the ceremony - especially Gabby.

Javier dressed up in a dark suit, so did Yuzuru and after about some struggle months ago be actually had one that fit him perfectly. Javier could remember their discussion about it. Yuzuru never really bothered and had just bought one from the rack but they never really fit his thin form. It took some threats of no kisses or sex for him to take the one he had to a tailor and get it fixed. Javier can very much remember how much he enjoyed taking the well fitting one off his boyfriend. Shaking himself back to reality he waited for Yuzuru to enter the room and walk down their mini aile towards him. He looked nearly sinful but Javier felt way too emotional to let the low grade of arousal bubble to the surface. His lips curled upwards, eyes filled with affection and when Yuzuru was close enough he extended his hand, palm up for the other to place his in there. Yuzuru smiled brightly at him, his eyes shining with such happiness, Javier felt his stomach flip. He squeezed his hand and turned towards their minister. 

“Now it’s time the vows, I heard you have your own … Javier?” Nodding his head he turned towards his soon husband, took a deep breath and started. 

“Yuzuru.. Yuzu. My Yuzu. There is so much I want to say to you and I apologise in advance if this is going to take long but I have to say it all.” He chuckled. “Here goes… I am not going to lie the first time we met I kind of disliked you… “ This earned Javier a good number of snorts from the audience and Yuzuru bit back one on his own. “Okay. I may have disliked you a lot but can you blame me? We didn’t exactly start off on the good foot and I tried. On the other hand I think it was somewhat mutual regardless of effort shown from either side but as we learned to work together - Brian would call it forced - you helping me get through a lot of things with which I was struggling, I learned to appreciate you more with each passing day. I saw a person who went through just as much pain as I have in life and came out only stronger with such determination to help others, I felt I wasn’t fit to have someone like that in my life. You are the strongest and most loving person in the world and I had the privilege to meet. I think nearly everyone in this room knows what kind of a mess I have been but than you came into my life and I finally found a reason to become better, to do something with my life again. You pushed me forward in my plans, you accepted that what I wanted to do in life is dangerous but never ever complained. You… I am so sorry for the pain I have caused as well due to the decisions I have made…” Javier felt Yuzuru squeeze his hand in support, obviously fighting his tears and he wasn't much better off at this point. "I promised to myself a long time ago that I would never want to hurt you again. I can't promise I won't make mistakes like blowing up our spaghetti sauce or leaving the tea leaves in for too long and causing your favourite tea to go bitter." Yuzuru laughed, wiping at his eyes. "But I want to spend the rest of my life with you together, making you happy and just occasionally bickering about what kind of toy we should get for Effie. Maybe even get a second cat if your asthma is not going to give you too much trouble or my actual cat allergy which makes in retrospect so much more sense…” Javier wrinkled his nose, amused by how long it actually took him to know that maybe he was a bit allergic to cats and not dust in the apartment, especially since Yuzuru moved in that was so much better under control. “I want to promise you the world or least the tiny part I can give you. Make you smile every single day until you get so tired of me you end up smothering me with a pillow." The people around them laughed at that and Yuzuru let out one of his honking laughters.

"If you continue... It may happen sooner." He wrinkled his nose in that adorable way of his because this may have been the cheesiest Javier ever sounded since they got together. And in all honesty it wasn’t due to the lack of trying.

"I know, I know. I am getting to the point. I just want to promise that I will be by your side good or bad, sickness and health. I think we kind of covered those so can we just keep to the good? I love you Yuzuru. I possibly have loved you since the moment I have met you. You make me the happiest person in the whole wide world and I can just hope to be doing remotely the same for you." Yuzuru at this point lost his control, crying already and when Javier finished he let out a small choked sound of his own.

"Yuzuru? Your vows?" The younger took a few collecting breaths of his own, giving Javier his 'you are so bad' glare for making him emotional and he just sheepishly shrugged his shoulders. It was to be expected from the moment they agreed on having their own written vows and not keeping to the traditional short lines. Yuzuru wasn’t exactly upset with him either for the tears. They have been through a lot together and getting to this wasn’t an easy road, a lot of emotions were hanging in the air.

Yuzuru inhaled, reached for Javiers hand again for support and spoke in a soft voice. “Javier… Javi…” Yuzurus expression turned softer as he said his nickname. “You really make it difficult for me to speak now or just be able to say what I wanted to. Our friends are going to die from all this cheese we are blurting out but… I guess it can’t be helped.” Javier shook his head with a grin on his face. “You already said a lot of things I can only agree on. We didn’t go off with the best of starts and it was mostly my fault, I guess. I knew way too much about you but only from papers and I let it influence me and in general I wasn’t the best kind of person to actually get close to people, especially not when work was involved. It took me a long time to realize that you were as amazing and so much more than people told me. Your kindness speaks a thousand words, you are selfless and want to help whoever comes along the way even if it means to neglect yourself in the end. People say actions speak louder than words and with you I feel it’s the case. It’s always the tiny things that people would otherwise neglect. You bringing me lunch or just dropping by with my favourite tea out of the blue. Trying to make dinner but failing miserably, taping the show I am currently obsessed with but am unable to watch due to schedule. You always watching my every expression to ensure I am feeling the same way as I claim to be. You can read my moods more than I can read it myself. I have never met a person who showed so much empathy and compassion towards others, even if they were strangers. I could have never done what you did, go back to a place which only brought you pain but you did and you came back. I know things… weren’t great for the past… almost a year now I would say but we are going through this process together, I truly think I wouldn’t be able to do it if it wasn’t with you. On days where I feel weak you are there, help me up while I know how difficult it is for you still. We definitely have a long way to go but I can’t imagine walking down this road with anyone but you. I love you so much and I promise to love you forever or at least until we are so sick of each other we can’t do this anymore. Though I do not believe that would happen. In you I have found my soulmate, the one person who understands, accepts and loves me with everything they have. I promise to do my utmost best to be the same person for you.” Tears were running down Javiers face and he found it hard to control his emotions. Once Yuzuru finished as well he shed some tears of his own. Javier reached up to brush them off his soft cheek. The silence in the room was only disturbed by occasional sniffs from both the soon to be married couple and their friends.

“Javier Fernandez Lopez, do you take Yuzuru Hanyu as your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" Javier nodded.

“I sure do.” Turning towards Yuzuru their administer repeated the question to Yuzuru.

“Yuzuru Hanyu, do you take Javier Fernandez Lopez as your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?"

“I do.” They exchanged the simple gold wedding bands they engraved with their initials on the inside.

“With this I pronounce you as husband and husband. You may kiss.” Javier grinned from ear to ear releasing Yuzurus hand only to cup his cheeks and press his lips on his in a sweet but lingering kiss. He felt Yuzuru place his own hands on top of his, leaning into their liplock. Their friends erupted in shouts and cheers, causing them to pull away and laugh a bit embarrassed but incredibly happy. Lacing their fingers together they stepped down to be greeted and congratulated by their friends, swept off to their favourite restaurant which they booked for the whole evening. Jason organised a beautiful cake which they cut up together, Gabby was crying for hours and muttered how beautiful it all way. Brian and Tracy smiled sweetly at the two taking pictures here and there though there was a photographer present to capture the beautiful moments.

Javier tried his best to actually speak to their friends, drink in celebration but he found himself gazing lovingly at Yuzuru more often than not, his hand always holding onto the others hand, rest on his thigh or pull him in by the waist. At one point of the night Yuzuru complained that he can’t speak to anyone like this but he didn’t do anything to pull away, on the contrary only shifted closer.

“Husband, huh?” Javier hummed, loving the sound of it. “What is the first thing you want to do now that we are officially married?” Yuzuru tapped his finger against his lip, moving much closer so he could whisper in his ear.

“I am going to make you mine tonight.” A shiver ran down Javiers back and he had to bite back a moan, his thoughts already carrying him much further away. Yuzuru pulled back to look in his eyes with so much affection and a hint of lust, Javier could only nod at that.

“So… when can we escape from here? What is the socially acceptable moment.” Yuzuru grinned and grabbed Javier by the lapels of his suit, lips hovering over his. 

“What do you say we go now?” Javier closed the distance, kissing Yuzuru with intent, giving him his answer without the use of words.

\---- 

Javier woke up early in the morning, turning on his side and ready to bury himself back into his soft pillow but he blinked his eyes open instead, gaze falling on the sleeping form by his side. In the low light he could see the gold band around Yuzurus finger and his heart did a weird flip in his chest. He still couldn’t believe it that he was now married to this amazing person laying next to him. Gently he brushed some of the dark strands out of his of the others face, careful not to wake him. He doesn’t remember how long he must have been watching Yuzuru sleep until the others eyes blinked open, a soft sleepy whimper escaping him; causing Javier to chuckle.

“Good morning beautiful.” He spoke and Yuzuru smiled, nuzzling closer pressing his face against his collarbone.

“Good morning… how long have you been awake and staring?” Javier chuckled.

“Probably quite long but can you blame me?” Javier felt the other shake his head more than heard his answer, wrapping his arms around his thin frame.

“How are you feeling? I hope… I didn’t… uhm…” Yuzuru didn’t know how to address last nights events and Javier bit back an amused laugh.

“I am feeling okay, though I guess I can answer better once we get out of bed.” Yuzuru pressed a few soft kisses along his neck, shoulder pulling back enough to look at Javier.

“What if we don’t get out of bed for a while?” There was a certain hint in his voice, eyes shining with intent and Javier bit down on his lower lip.

“I think I can be on board with that as well.”

\---- 

It was near midday when the two finally managed to get out of bed, take a shower and get to cook something to eat. Yuzuru took charge and Javier watched at first while leaning on the counter with a mug filled with coffee but decided to put it down and wrap his arms around the younger from behind. Yuzuru leaned into his chest, Javier resting his chin on his shoulder.

“Do you want to go on a small trip? A honeymoon of sorts? I know we didn’t exactly plan on much but I could definitely do a small cabin weekend with you again.” The Japanese turned their omelett around in the pan and hummed. 

“We could do that. I am sure Brian wouldn’t mind me getting a weekend off. You don’t start until next month in the center right?” Javier nodded pressing a kiss to his husbands cheek.

“Yeah, they are still having trouble with the office arrangements so I may need to camp out in yours when you don’t have a session. For now I will only work half time and I think there will be only one patient assigned to me.” Yuzuru nodded, cutting the omelett into pieces and placing them on a plate next to their toast. 

“You are going to do well as a coach you know. You are the best person to help people through their struggles and be there for them. You will be amazing and I can’t wait for us to work at the same place again, even if not exactly with each other.” Javier smiles, squeezing Yuzuru to him. 

“I am excited too. I never really coached anyone aside from actual physical training but from what Brian told me it will be a mix of everything. Definitely not taking over anyones job but I will be there as an additional help, a new set of ears for anyone who wants to let some steam off or share their thoughts. I will do my best to be a help to others.” Yuzuru turned around in his arms, wrapping his own around Javiers neck. 

“You are already the best person in the world, trust me, people will love working with you.” Javier felt his cheeks turn a bit red, pecking his husbands lips.

“Okay before we go all sappy on each other, we should eat. I am starving. I don’t remember actually eating much last night.” Yuzuru laughed stepping away from Javier to grab their plates.

“Hmm… I wonder what was that distracted you in the restaurant so much.” Javier picked up his mug and Yuzurus.

“I wonder… I think it may have been my incredibly gorgeous husband. He was literally glowing and I was like a moth, drawn to the light.” Yuzuru wrinkled his nose, slapping Javiers shoulder.

“Oh my god, stop it.” Javier grinned stealing a kiss from the younger before sitting down to eat. He felt like a lovesick fool but so incredibly happy at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I would like to thank for everyone who gave this work a lot of love. It was really incredible for me to see the support from so many people.  
> Thank you truly from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate everyone reading / giving kudos / commenting.  
>  **Thank you!**


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